Fire and Blood part 1, Bird Box, and other conspiracy theories

Fire and Blood by George R. R. Martin

This is a book for fans of A Song of Ice and Fire and/or Game of Thrones who are looking for a slightly more long-winded historical account of the Targaryen family. Basically, me. So far this has felt like a very thorough, very "grievance-list" set of well-written family dramas. I've only completed about half of the 706 pages plus appendices, I had to rest it a while once I started getting confused about who was who and why they were pissed at each other--I mean the family tree appendix helps but damn, there are so many Targaryens! I fully believe Martin wanted this released before The Winds of Winter simply because there are several little tricky situations that explain many of the issues that affect the narratives of the proper book series down the line such as the initial doom of Valyria, greyscale disease, general madness within the Targaryen family, stolen dragon eggs, and even a bit about the future of dragons versus White Walkers (in regard to the protective enchantments surrounding the wall). Like a couple other short stories about the Targaryen dynasty, there are several little Easter (dragon) eggs that true fans will no doubt appreciate---in other words, PAY ATTENTION and TRY TO KEEP UP.

Tell me this isn't a role for Charlie Hunnam?

Composed of the collections of the official "writings" of various maesters and septons, the book begins with the history of Aegon the Conqueror, sister-wives Visenya and Rhaenys, and how the family's dragons and descendants shaped the seven kingdoms of Westeros. What makes this an interesting experience, more interesting than the same basic narrative explored in A World of Ice and Fire, is the 2018-weary, self-aware format of the way the facts are presented. The old, fat, white men in power are still the ones controlling the information, but every now and then you'll get a little burn on a septon or maester who has written some vital piece of the story or given a summary or opinion on something where he wasn't physically present and someone else (usually the Targaryen's court fool, Mushroom) gives a different account of the events. Kind of a nice dig on how history in general gets presented, if you ask me. Hey! Were you there? Did you see that baby get pushed into the world? Did you hear the king say that to the queen? Were you physically on that battlefield when the drama happened? Actually no, but you have a big book of empty pages and a fancy golden quill, you could write whatever you wanted, absent of any real facts and people would still listen! How relevant!

Alysanne: Shall we see
what lies beyond the wall?
Silverwing:
Nah, I'm good.

Also, in the spirit of being woke, King Jahaerys I's sister: Queen Alysanne. I loved this character so much! Challenging the laws that govern the continued caretaking of widows, no more primae noctis, winning over the cold-ass Starks in Winterfell, and PROPER DRINKING WATER FOR KINGS LANDING? Highborn empathy exists! Westeros's first true feminist, mother of thirteen children, dragonrider of Silverwing and all-around badass? YASS, QUEEN! I squeezed the book in happiness multiple times during these chapters.

Hopefully the last half of the book holds as many treasures as the first, although it seems really mafia-esque in its general vibe of decline. Stay tuned.

"If you take off your blindfold,
I WILL HURT YOU."

Bird Box, 2018, d. Susanne Bier, screenplay by Eric Heiserrer, novel by Josh Malerman. Starring Sandra Bullock, Trevante Rhodes, John Malkovich

Confession: Outside of So Awkward/Blessed are the Geeks, I never read or watch anyone else's film reviews. I hovered over a few Netflix reviews of Bird Box after I'd watched it already and at first I didn't get why all the venom, but after a few days I have a few statements to make about it.


1. Ease up haters, this is not a typical horror film (and it was probably evil cell phones that brought about the insanity, so that's even more for you to hate)
2. Motherhood has a large effect on how the events of the film unfold
3. The story is smart and emotional but Malorie needed to hold onto those kids better on the boat
4. The ending is perfect, I loved it (no spoilers)
5. I don't know what everyone else is smoking, I don't see gross effects of Botox or cosmetic surgery on Sandy, like AT ALL, I think she looked great

I can't say this film experience is positive, it's anxious and disturbing, but it's a interesting, engaging story. At the core, I feel like the issues are extremely relevant to situations beyond an apocalyptic chaos story and honest to how mothers make decisions. Do I lie to my kids and tell them stories about how things are going to be fine or do I lay out the truth, be a hardass, and prepare them for the reality of life? Are they scared of me? Am I being too hard on them? Do I dare imagine a life where they are safe? Matt drew a ton of fire last month for criticizing the parenting in A Christmas Story when Randy won't eat, and I share his feelings---true, we live in relatively peaceful times now with plenty of food but we've never coddled our kids and never will. This film made me stop and think about what I would do in Malorie's situation. In the end, survival > liking your mom. When times are tough, you harden up, end of story.



Other Conspiracy Theories (Resistance Through Cinema Film List)

Last year around this time I asked everyone for favorite conspiracy or political films to watch for the new year. Funny thing, I still have the list even though I only watched like five or six of them. The remains of the list include Arlington Road, The Fog of War, Fahrenheit 9/11, 12 Angry Men, Wag the Dog, Dr. Strangelove, The Pelican Brief, National Treasure, Enemy of the State, The Crucible, Bob Roberts, The Manchurian Candidate (which I'm reading right now), John Q, The Hunt For Red October, Conspiracy Theory, Zeitgeist, SHOWGIRLS (I mean, why not?), The Contender, Deterrence, Bridge of Spies, 13 Days, The American President, LBJ, Swing Vote, City Hall, and Bullworth. In addition to the Great American Read book list that I'm still working on, I'll give it my best.

Game of Thrones Cross Stitch

This is what I've been doing since August. If you're interested in winning one, scroll down to bottom and leave a comment with your name and which piece is your favorite. When my display ends toward the end of May, I'll draw a name out of a hat and the winner will take home the piece he/she listed.

All eight of these pieces are slated to be on display at Starbucks, 5351 Lyndale Avenue in Minneapolis starting May 12. While I'm no photographer, I've done my best to capture and explain everything that went into making these works; I honestly had a wonderful time doing each and every one (and am kind of sad that I'm done). Enjoy!



HOUSE BARATHEON

This was two stitched images, the stag and the border design, backed onto felt and then attached to a yellow fabric that seemed royal and golden, but masculine enough for the war-seasoned Baratheon brothers.

One of the most fun to create, although I had to do all the golden negative space first, before the stag, as no place in seven hells carries gold cross stitch fabric. A few times I found myself actually sewing parts of the stag (in golden) instead, and had to rip it all out and start all over again. The crown around the neck proved too difficult to measure and reproduce for me, so I left it out. The antlers were my favorite, and turned out nice and tight.

I am a big fan of the Baratheons, especially our dear departed King Robert. During Game of Thrones' first season, some of my favorite parts were his drinking, womanizing, and shouting constant rude and angry remarks at people. Check it out:
(explicit)



HOUSE STARK

This was before I got it into a frame, but you get the general idea. My first piece in the series, my longest, and probably most difficult, too. You see, I don't really plan much when I start these things, I trace or draw the main image, in this case the direwolf, and then after I finish, decide if it still needs something. This one was an impressive image, to be sure, but it still needed something to make it killer. I found the border on a cross stitch site and thought I'd add it either across the top or down the left or right side; little did I know I'd be fumbling around with that damned thing the entire way across, counting, re-counting, and redoing nearly every square pattern I started. I'm not a numbers girl, more of a spatial relationships girl, so having to rely on exactness was difficult. I was lucky not to have run out of fabric, to tell the truth. But I love this one; it's a labor of love that turned out amazing. When people ask me if I sell the stuff I make, this piece is a perfect example of why I don't and probably never will. No one will ever love it like I do, and there isn't a possible price that I could put on it that would reflect all the time and energy it took me (which is about four month's worth).


Starks are my favorite, btw. If you've read anything else on this blog you know that scowling men are my thing. Lord Eddard felt very right to me for this reason.

Jon Snow wins, too, but more on him during The Night's Watch pieces below.

HOUSE TARGARYEN

This is the only piece that doesn't have a border, a mat, or any contrasting images or fabric along with it. The three-headed dragon is strong enough on its own, I think. My only regret is that I didn't try it in an oval or circular frame. I suppose I could always do another one; the pattern I drew out for this one was probably the most exact of any of them.

I was ready to write the Targaryens off completely just until that little turnaround last week (Now His Watch Has Ended). . . I love it when there gets to be dracarys.





HOUSE LANNISTER 

This one was the perfect mix of image, border, and text. It went fast and was exciting to create. It's one of the few that I counted and mapped out before starting just to make certain that everything would be centered. I was worried that the lion might come out a little blunt or dull since I didn't vary the gold too much, but after the black back-stitching went in, it all came together.

The most dysfunctional family in all the realm, I find House Lannister the most interesting. If you've read the books you know that a lot changes for them, too. Some of my favorite sections of writing and character development come from Jamie Lannister's journey with Brienne of Tarth. As true and wonderful as the show is, reading the events in prose is almost better. If you haven't done this yet, I highly recommend you do it.



And this, just because everyone really does love Tyrion:
(explicit)




THE NIGHT'S WATCH 

These were originally going to be one piece; half black and half white, but they seemed to hold up on their own so I kept them separate. Eventually I'd like to do the entire vow of The Night's Watch, but I'll save that for next winter, perhaps. The sword is embroidered in silver, black, and gray; the crow is black felt. 

Speaking of crows, the only one I like better than Jon Snow is his Lord Commander, Jeor Mormont (The Old Bear, and father to my boy Ser Jorah Mormont). Also Benjen Stark. What kind of name is Benjen? Okay, what kind of name is Jeor, too, but damn. What do they call the girls that hang around the club in SOA, Crow-Eaters? The men of The Night's Watch scowl a lot, to be sure. I'm with them.

This was one of my favorite images from the show; the gate rises and The Old Bear leads the crows on a white horse with their torches in search of, well, the worst thing imaginable. Powerful example of storytelling with images.








R'HLLOR 

I thought the Red Woman should be represented, mostly because I like the sigil Stannis Baratheon adopted on her behalf. And the more I watch, the more I like Stannis, plus I needed something else that was red. The heart is cut of felt and the flames embroidered; I was nervous about this one looking choppy or amateuristic, kind of like a bad tribal tattoo or something, but in the end I came to like how it came together.


NINE HOUSES OF WESTEROS



I couldn't fit this one in, not all the way. The only piece that I actually used a pattern for (credit to BlackLupin on DeviantArt), this one killed my eyes with its 22count fabric, which was the only stuff tight enough for me to fit all nine houses onto. It was fun, it was lengthy, but it was varied enough to keep me interested since there was always another house to start when I finished. I started in the middle with The Stark's Direwolf and then worked outward. There's a little, well no, LARGE, error on The Greyjoy's Kraken--I had the pattern turned upside down for some reason when I had it with me at my mother's for Christmas. Somehow I picked it up again and turned it rightside up and had no idea I was doing anything wrong and went about my merry way until I finally noticed that the pattern had only one set of curly tentacles, not two. I suppose this is why I don't like being held to patterns, with free-styling on the fly this sort of thing never happens. Also, I probably shouldn't have picked it up after that much wine. Lessons learned, and the Greyjoys are awful, anyway.


TO WIN A PIECE OF WESTEROS CROSS STITCH:

If you like what you see, tell me! Leave your name in the comments below along with which piece is your favorite. If you want to talk about the show or the books, that's great, too! Should you be on Facebook, Google+, or Twitter and want to share this, please feel free. I'll have a drawing the night I take everything down and I'll announce the winner as a comment on this post and on Facebook, so check back! Thanks for your interest in my art! 

House Stark Direwolf Cross Stitch

My little direwolf is not exactly photogenic yet with all the strings and shit hanging off, but he'll look pretty killer once I find a Winterfell- reminiscent frame for him, right? I found the direwolf on HBO's site (as well as the other sigils, get ready for some kick-ass dragons, lions, and stags after this one) and the surrounding pattern was just on a cross-stitch site;



I feel as though the Starks would approve.

A Clash of Kings

Sometimes people ask me why I hate on chick flicks and mushy literature so much; it's probably because my favorite things in the world are clever, powerful stories with clever, powerful characters (not often found in the aforementioned media).

Or maybe there's just so much garbage out there that finding someone who actually has the ability to craft both words and ideas into something really spectacular literally causes me to ripple in amazement. I'm a pretty easy film audience (in a year of doing proper reviews, I've given only two sub-par ratings that I remember) but books are harder. Writing is a hard thing, and you can tell every time if someone knows what they're doing or have been lucky enough to, well, get lucky. I'll go with skill over luck every time (BIG, BAD SPOILERS AHEAD. BEWARE):

Men were crawling from the river, men burned and bleeding, coughing up water, staggering, most dying. He led his troop among them, delivering quicker, cleaner deaths to those strong enough to stand. The war shrank to the size of his eye slit. Knights twice his size fled from him, or stood and died. They seemed little things, and fearful. "Lannister!" he shouted, slaying. His arm was red to the elbow, glistening in the light off the river. When his horse reared again, he shook his axe at the stars and heard them call out, "Halfman! Halfman!" Tyrion felt drunk.

The battle fever. He had never thought to experience it himself. Jaime had told him of it often enough. How time seemed to blur and slow and even stop, how the past and future vanished until there was nothing but the instant, how fear fled, and thought fled, and even your body. "You don't feel your wounds then, or the ache in your back from the weight of the armor, or the sweat running down into your eyes. You stop feeling, you stop thinking, you stop being you, there is only the next fight, the foe, this man and then the next, and the next, and the next, and you know they are afraid and tired, but you're not, you're alive and death is all around you but their swords move so slowly, you can dance through them laughing." Battle fever. I am half a man and drunk with slaughter, let them kill me if they can!



They tried.

See that? The guy that wrote it knows what he's doing.

GOT, The Raven, 50 Shades, and Avengers

Hey Theon. You look like an opossum.

This doesn't happen to me very often, but I've been rendered both speechless and utterly useless by someone else's media: George R. R. Martin's book series, A Song of Ice and Fire, and show, Game of Thrones. I don't want to watch or read anything else, and I barely can manage the time to write anything, either, as I just want to hide and obsess (which is something I do often, actually). Although this DOLT over here (left) really needs to be eliminated. Soon.



In the meantime, I saw Cusack in The Raven and thought it was really excellent. The big critics panned it, which doesn't surprise me, because I suppose in a way, it was a loud and cheesy homage to EA Poe (and big critics don't like loud and cheesy). I do, of course, and I was all over this shit. Lots of flapping black capes, horses, and snarling wit, not to mention the clear lip service it paid all genius writers whose editors dog them for the sake of sales ("DON'T YOU CHANGE ONE WORD!"). It was like a mix of Se7en and Shakespeare in Love; I had a great time. If you like Poe's short stories (The Pit and Pendulum, The Tell-Tale Heart, The Masque of The Red Death, The Cask of Amontillado, and a few others) you probably will, too.

I got these, instead.

So while I was checking out the GOT selection at Barnes and Noble tonight I ran into a promo table of about sixteen hundred 50 Shades of Gray novels . . . I am really not keen on this but I suppose I'll end up reading it, if for no other reason to find out what the hell the fuss is all about. Unlike Rhianna, I don't enjoy S&M, like, at all, so I don't imagine reading about it will be my cup of tea, plus the idea of some timid virgin slinking around a delusional millionaire does not impress me at all. It seems tired and a waste. On second thought, fuck it all, I'm not reading it. There's only so much room in my head.





The Avengers.

Yeah, minus Gwenyth, who I wanted to punch in the face for every moment she was onscreen, it's pretty much the coolest thing I've ever seen. I went, I saw, I enjoyed, and I fully expected to. I suppose I should give Whedon credit for the massive effects and witty banter the principals all had with each other (since these items were pretty damned major) but I keep going back to something again and again:

There is a scene after Loki is captured and brought on board the aircraft where he is being escorted by a group of about six or eight armed guards, flanking him in equal numbers. There isn't any audio and it may have even been slow motion, I can't remember every detail, but it's jarring in its silence and seriousness. As they lead him just past Banner's makeshift laboratory, Loki looks in at Banner and gives him a huge, knowing smile. If you end up seeing the film, you get what that smile would eventually mean, but damn. Now, the entire last hour or so of the film had me pretty much bawling in awe, but that whole scene (above) gave me chills and I wish like hell I could see it again. Moments of subtlety among complete spectacle. Nice. See this one in the theater if you can.

Game of Thrones: House Targaryen

House Targaryen of Dragonstone
Blazen: Three-headed dragon
Words: Fire and Blood
Family: Prince Viserys, Princess Daenerys

This is the story that thrills me to no end, it's like it was written specifically for me: Blonde girl gets married off to the baddest Dothraki Khal that ever was, loses both her husband and newly born son in the same space of days and then hatches three dragons and takes over as the leader? And look at that sigil! COME ON. I couldn't possibly love it any more.



Viserys Targaryen: Assumed heir and last blood of the dragon. Total prick and absolute poser (not a dragon). Wants a golden crown from Khal Drogo's Khalasar, after drawing a weapon on sacred Dothraki ground and insulting Daenerys, he gets it. Poured in molten form over his head by Drogo.



Khal Drogo: A true Dothraki warrior never conquered, he purchases wife Daenerys from Viserys in exchange for a golden crown (see above). Is weakened and eventually poisoned by blood magic at the hands of a witch-woman.




Ser Jorah Mormont: Daenerys' exiled knight and bodyguard. Seems an interesting man. I like him.

Daenerys Targaryen: The true blood of the dragon: cannot be burned, enchants Khal Drogo enough to desire intercourse in face-to-face positions, conceives son, consumes raw heart to completion, loses baby, smothers vegetative husband, nurses dragons, wins the loyalty of the remaining Khalasar:


"Jhogo took the whip from her hands, but his face was confused. 'Khaleesi,' he said hesitantly, 'this is not done. It would shame me to be bloodrider to a woman.'

Aggo accepted the bow with lowered eyes. 'I cannot say these words. Only a man can lead a khalasar or name a ko.'

'You are khaleesi,' Rakharo said, taking the arakh, 'I shall ride at your side to Vaes Dothrak beneath the mother of mountains and keep you safe from harm until you take your place with the crones of the dosh khaleen. No more I can promise.'

. . . When the fire died at last and the ground became cool enough to walk upon, Ser Jorah Mormont found her amidst the ashes, surrounded by blackened logs and bits of glowing ember and the burnt bones of man and woman and stallion. She was naked, covered with soot, her clothes turned to ash, her beautiful hair all crisped away . . . but she was not hurt.

The cream-and-gold dragon was suckling at her left breast, the green-and-bronze at the right. Her arms cradled them close. The black-and-scarlet beast was draped across her shoulders, its long, sinuous neck coiled under her chin. When it saw Jorah, it raised its head and looked at him with eyes as red as coals.

Wordless, the knight fell to his knees. The men of her khas came up behind him. Jhogo was the first to lay his arakh at her feet. 'Blood of my blood,' he murmured, pushing his face to the smoking earth. 'Blood of my blood,' she heard Aggo echo. 'Blood of my blood,' Rakharo shouted."

SERIOUSLY.

Game of Thrones: House Lannister

House Lannister of Casterly Rock

Blazon: Lion
Words: Hear me roar!
Family: Lord Tywin, Warden of the West, and his children: Queen Cersei (wed to King Robert Baratheon), Ser Jaime, and Tyrion.















Tywin Lannister: Not given a lot of screen time or immediacy in the novel, but still not one to cross. We meet him disemboweling and skinning a large animal, berating his son Jaime, the Kingslayer, after a bit of nasty business with Ned Stark. Should you need another reason to be intimidated by this man, feel free to check out the particulars in the novel concerning the fall of the House Targaryen, specifically the children (!)





Queen Cersei: Quite a dish, but her coldness gives new meaning to the word "frigid," unless we're discussing her relationship with her brother Jaime, of course. Son Joffrey is being prepped to take the crown, but Ned Stark proves (again) to be a thorn in the Lannister Family's side when he announces to Cersei that he knows the truth about her children and plans to expose her to the king's wrath. Seemingly undeterred, she fires back, "And what of my wrath, Lord Stark? . . . When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. There is no middle ground."

Pretty bad ass.

Ser Jaime Lannister: Killed the previous King of the Realm, Mad King Aerys (and is henceforth known as "The Kingslayer.") Attempted the life of Bran Stark after he witnessed something not meant for his eyes. Battled with Ned; taken by Robb. Probably the most physically beautiful man in existence.

DAMN.

Tyrion Lannister: Commonly called "The Imp." Clever, vulgar. As close to a hero as you can get in a corrupt family. My favorite character in the series. There are many moments of genius during Tyrion's scenes, but my favorite came during his abduction (at the hand of Catelyn Stark) in The Eyrie, and his eventual triumph over Lady Lysa Arryn and her ridiculous son:

"Can I make the little man fly now?"
Across the garden, Tyrion Lannister got to his feet. "Not this little man," he said. "This little man is going down in the turnip hoist, thank you very much."
"You presume--" Lysa began.
"I presume that House Arryn remembers its own words," the Imp said. "As High as Honor."

Ugh, and this guy: Joffrey Baratheon, Cersei's son. A Baratheon by name only-- clearly he belongs in this lineup. What a royal prick. I'm struck by a very strong resemblance to Isaac from Children of the Corn by this guy. . . voice similar also. Which is to say I really look forward to someone (hopefully a Stark) doing away with him. Soon.

Game of Thrones: House Stark

Obsessed, I am. Absolutely obsessed over this business. Maybe it's because I'm secretly power hungry and virtually every character in the story comes with his or her own variety of power and ability. Or that everyone is amazingly attractive and clever. Or that there are so many scowling, impatient fathers all around that remind me of my own . . . regardless, this story is one of my very, very favorite things, ever.
You should watch or read these (or watch and read them). I give them my highest recommendation.

The book (A Game of Thrones, by George R. R. Martin) comes equipped with an appendix at the end which explains the various houses and families, who inhabits which, and the histories of each---this is invaluable. The show's episodes do a great job explaining as much as they can without seeming overly expository, but the opening credits almost do it better with a map of the realm, emerging buildings sprouting up within it, and labels of the most important points of interest (but no family names). If you watch closely though, the first images shown on the golden sword-like metal surround that continually orbits what is presumably the sun inside it are those of the stag, the lion, the wolf, and the dragon (Houses Baratheon, Lannister, Stark, and Targaryen). Pretty sweet.

My favorite house is Stark of Winterfell.

Blazon: Direwolf
Words: Winter is Coming.
Family: Lord Eddard (Ned), Lady Catelyn, Robb, Sansa, Arya, Brandon, Rickon, and Jon Snow (Ned's bastard son).

1. Ned Stark. HOT. Respected. Friend of King Robert. Receives a promotion he doesn't want; things don't go well. Best moment: refusing to acknowledge the insolent Joffrey as King. That and just being generally kick-ass. I won't spoil anything if you haven't seen or read yet, but his story is one that made me gasp and cry, many times.

2. Catelyn Stark. Mother of five, tolerator of bastard son living among her own children. Must take things into her own hands once the shit starts hitting the proverbial fan, though her children are scattered throughout the realm. Best moment: "In the name of King Robert, I call upon you to seize him . . . " (taking Tyrion the Imp by surprise at the inn).

3. Robb Stark. Oldest child, rather ordinary and uninteresting until those last, "KING OF THE NORTH," exclamations. Best moment: kidnapping (the exceedingly gorgeous) Jaime Lannister.

4. Sansa Stark. Unfortunate betrothal to Joffrey Baratheon (later King Joffrey). Unfortunate situation with her wolf, "Lady." Unfortunate dealings involving her father's mercy before the new king. Best moment: fainting when she realizes what she's done?



5. Arya Stark. Poor at needlepoint, boyish, skilled at swordplay. Seems to have the best relationship with her father, Ned, but is impulsive and defiant to many of her elders. Best moment: thwacking Joffrey with a stick, throwing his sword into the river, and encouraging her direwolf, "Nymeria," to attack him.

6. Brandon Stark. Wall climber, seer of things both in life and in dreams. Unfortunate events befall him after failing to heed his mother's command "no more climbing." Best moment: Bran's direwolf, "Summer," is clearly the most awesome.

7. Rickon Stark. Unimportant thus far, but like Bran, seems to see things others do not. Direwolf named "Shaggydog."

8. Jon Snow. The Hot Bastard, finder of the pack of newborn direwolves later adopted by the family (his is "Ghost,"). Leaves Winterfell to become a protector of The Wall in the far north. Best moment: protecting the overweight cowardly Sam as he attempts to join the brotherhood; "I've never had a friend before." "We're not friends," Jon said. He put a hand on Sam's broad shoulder. "We're brothers."



Pay attention to the wolves, many of the events that come to pass seem to correlate with them.
(I want you and your wolf with us when we ride out beyond that wall tomorrow.)