So This Exists

I don't give very many bad reviews. Back when I was actually paid to review films I remember doing only two that could be considered negative, but I was respectful and made sure to give equal attention to the good things that happened. Then my Tuesday group watched this:

Victims for Victims: The Theresa Saldana Story, 1984. d. Karen Arthur, written by Arthur Heinemann

"The true story of the brutal attack on actress Theresa Saldana by an unbalanced fan. As a result of her ordeal and its aftermath, Saldana becomes involved in the victims' rights movement." (IMDB)

Here's where things get difficult for me. As a humanist-centered film writer, I try to look for the lesson, the theme, the link to humanity at large that might offset a film's other shortcomings. With this, the only real lessons are, don't get stabbed, and don't trust your insurance, I guess. That's not all that appealing for someone who loves film or humanity. I'd rather write when I'm inspired, not bored to tears or at odds with the content.

For instance, I tried like hell to put something together for Revenge of the Nerds a few weeks ago, a film I really like, but because of two violating situations (videotaping the Sisters of Pi, naked, and Lewis tricking Betty Childs into having relations with him in the moon room thinking he's Stan, her boyfriend), I just couldn't talk about it the way I would have done maybe 10 years ago so I skipped it and waited for something else to come along I could get excited about. 

I can't say I'm excited about this film, but I have been thinking about it, so here we are, and here are the shortcomings: 

1. The victim, Theresa Saldana, plays herself. I'm not a practicing mental health professional (yet) but this seems . . . problematic. We learn at some point in the film that she needs cash since her insurance is, surprise, taking forever and placing a lot of limits on what care Theresa can receive, but yeah, NO. If I had to list five of the worst things that ever happened to me and then act them out in front of a camera for money, I'd take a hard pass. And honestly, this film could not have resulted in a huge number of dollars for anyone involved. Exploitation. 

2. Sometimes crimes are just sudden, jarring, and disruptive but not exactly cinematic or even interesting as a film-length story. The stabbing of Theresa Saldana was such a crime. The creep that stabbed her hung around her place for a while, stalking, eventually stabbed her in broad daylight, and got arrested. Theresa's recovery was lengthy and (sorry) boring. Theresa's interactions with her husband and family were lengthy and (sorry) boring. This was the longest 100 minute film I've ever sat through.

3. Questions: why were all the draperies open and doors unlocked? Why so many stuffed animals for a grown woman? Why was Theresa portrayed so child-like?

It might actually be BOTH Louise and Cindy, 
simultaneously!

Those are the main shortcomings. I can't really fault the director, as the film was structurally pretty sound (think of a Dallas episode from around the same early 80s era). The writing can't really be faulted either if they were going for an exact replication of what happened, although someone might have stood up and admitted that it all wasn't all that interesting and I don't know, started making shit up instead, but they obviously played it straight. Bad idea. I read once that Anne Lamott got a memoire she'd written back with the note: "You make the mistake of thinking everything that's ever happened to you is interesting." Given the choice, I would read Anne Lamott's grocery list over sitting through this again, but the sentiment from this editor, whoever it was, is worth keeping in mind. 

After realizing I couldn't just turn this off (it was suggested but we decided to hold fast) I went through all my phone games, stalked the crazy Qs on FB I keep tabs on, and then spent some time wondering what other films I've either left or turned off, unfinished. I remember three: Pearl Harbor (in theater), The Last Samurai (in theater), and WW84 just a few months ago at home. I eventually came around and watched Pearl Harbor again on a dare, I think, and wrote about it with a little more empathy (as much empathy as one can rightly muster for a Michael Bay film) but the latter two were so aggressively bad I will not be coming around. 

I can't in good faith say this was aggressively bad, as it was someone's lived experience, but it is aggressively BLAH. The highlight of the experience for me was insisting to my two Zoom watch mates that certain characters were either Louise Fletcher or Cindy Williams (SHIRLEY, from Laverne &). Like, repeatedly insisting to the point where they would both yell at me every time I brought it up.

Anyway, the film is available in its entirety on YouTube, if you want to give it a try. I do not recommend you do this. Watch Wandavision or Dark instead.

Last Two on the List:

I had this horrible nightmare the other night that I went around asking everyone I knew what they thought the worst film ever made was, and that I said that I'd watch them just for the sake of torture. OH WAIT. THIS REALLY HAPPENED. I hope this proves just how much I'm willing to sacrifice for the "art" of being a Television Lady. . . I know, I know. I asked for it. But I'm extremely happy it's over.

The Wicker Man, 2006, directed and written by Neil LaBute.
starring: Nicolas Cage, Ellen Burstyn.

"A sheriff investigating the disappearance of a young girl from a small island discovers there's a larger mystery to solve among the island's secretive, neo-pagan community." (IMDB).

I may have enjoyed this had it actually been a story with an ending. Masks were creepy and almost a little reminiscent of Pierre Tremond (Twin Peaks), and Badalamenti did the score, it wasn't a complete waste, but there *had* to have been a better way to end it. Did the original end this way too? Thumbs down. And don't dye Nic Cage's hair so dark or cake so much makeup on him next time; he's a man, he's going to get hotter with age. Let him.

Nights in Rodanthe, 2008, directed by George C. Wolf. Written by Ann Peacock.
starring: Diane Lane, Richard Gere.

"A doctor who is traveling to see his estranged son sparks with an unhappily married woman at a North Carolina inn." (IMDB).

Ugh. Shut it off after nineteen minutes. I know I said I wouldn't do that, but this was truly awful. Horrible dialogue, no matter who it was between. What a goddamned mess.

I can't decide who I wanted to punch more. . .

So what has all this taught me? Nothing I didn't already know, but I still found it a useful project. Films really can't recover from bad dialogue, it's the one thing that will sink a picture every time. That and Cameron Diaz. I've looked back on some of the previous entries, and it may seem as though I unfairly hate on chick flicks and I'd like to take a minute to address that. I know that I'm not a normal female. The media events I dig focus on power (Harry Potter, Spartacus), cleverness/ability (Kill Bill, Jackie Brown) and a special kind of depth and emotion (LOST, Toy Story 3). For me to accept sentimentality in something, I have to know, enjoy, and believe the character. These kind of things are lacking in literally *every* chick flick I watched, and I really can't believe that this the best that can be done. It's not taste, either, it's more than that. Don't tell me it's society, don't tell me we're still enslaved by men: these are stories, the task falls on the writers. WRITE SOMETHING BETTER.

Jack Nicholson's character in As Good As It Gets is a writer. When female fan asks him on his way to the elevator how he manages to write women so well, he says this: I think of a man. And then take away reason and accountability.

Something to think about.

Talk about vertigo: Altered States.

What condition my condition is in. . .

Altered States, 1980, directed by Ken Russell. Written by Paddy Chayefsky.
starring: William Hurt, Blair Brown, Bob Balaban.

" Harvard scientist conducts experiments on himself with a hallucinatory drug and an isolation chamber that may be causing him to regress genetically." (IMDB).

Um, NO. In addition to freezing my tail off most of the day, I spent the last three hours trying not to throw up; I blame the film. I didn't really dig it at all and actually fell asleep during the first half, but then every few moments I would hear some weird, jarring noise, wake up to find all kinds of trippy designs and flashes going on, and then see William Hurt either sweaty, bloody, or morphing into some ridiculous ball of energy or moving lumps. I'm not a good candidate for hallucinogens or films about hallucinogens (unless we're talking Lebowski, of course). Being dizzy and out of control is probably *the worst* thing I can imagine. Boo.

The one semi-positive thing I can say about this film is that the ending reminded me of a very popular music video from my youth, man banging on the walls, trapped in a hallway? Yeah? I liked A-ha's version of it a little better though, to tell the truth.

Troll/Troll 2 Double Feature. Low Budget.

1. Troll, 1986, directed by John Carl Buechler, written by Ed Naha.
2. Troll 2, 1990, directed by Claudio Fragasso, written by Rosella Drudi.
3. Fun House, 1981, directed by Tobe Hooper, written by Lawrence Block.
4. The Pink Chiquitas, 1987, directed and written by Anthony Currie.

I'm not writing them up individually because it really wouldn't be worth anyone's time. If anything, Troll was probably the best of all of them and Fun House is special because I saw it in Hawaii with Matt and my brother the last time we were there, but they were all pretty lame. Sometimes there are films that are bad that didn't have to be bad (Pearl Harbor, Gigli, Vanilla Sky); like there's just one thing that's consistently off, something that could easily be fixed, like dialogue, just rewrite it. Or Cameron Diaz's voice, just don't hire her! Then there are films like these, where everything is off, and the only way to save it would be to burn it. I try not to pick too much on low budget films because everyone has to start somewhere, but when dialogue is badly written, actors are disastrously inexperienced, production is slim to none, and the entire project is just kind of random and shoddy, it's hard to watch the result. These films weren't terrible, there were some interesting parts I guess, but they were just . . . lacking. Like watching someone's German video but without the saving grace of having Eminem on the soundtrack.

Ugh. My hands are freezing. This winter has been painfully lengthy. I think Television Lady needs to be based in Kona. Who's with me?

#$*&, Shinola.

Thank Goodness this month is almost over.

Friends With Money, 2006, directed and written by Nicole Holofcener.
starring: Jennifer Aniston, Joan Cusack, Francis McDormand, Catherine Keener.

"After she quits her lucrative job, Olivia finds herself unsure about her future and her relationships with her successful and wealthy friends." (IMDB).

Something here just didn't compute. I mean, I thought the money thing was fine, mostly because I know what it's like to be broke. Maybe it was that J-Aniston was *at least* ten years younger than each of the co-stars who composed her BFF circle. The other actresses were competent and believable, but the relationship with Olivia didn't seem very realistic; maybe they should have cast someone older. That was unbelievable issue #2, actually. Unbelievable issue #1 that still irks me is that Olivia, while cleaning houses, just decided to help herself to an employer's, um, bedroom device? This happened in the film's montage opening while each of the characters are being introduced. Really? Is this customary? I suppose the weirdness of it helped to bridge my gaps of boredom between Jason Isaac's few (lucious) scenes. I spent a lot of the time thinking (about Keener's character), "You are married to Lucius Malfoy. And instead of tapping that, you're complaining that he doesn't say anything when you burn your hand? You're dumb." See, this is why I swear and rant and do all the other things I do; if I ever became like any of the women in this film it would really upset me.

Battlefield Earth, 2000, directed by Roger Christian. Written by Corey Mandell.
starring: John Travolta, Forest Whitaker, Barry Pepper.

"After enslavement & near extermination by an alien race in the year 3000, humanity begins to fight back." (IMDB).

Whoa. So this is what all the fuss was about! I'll take an apocalypse film over a chick-flick any day, but yeah, this was mostly garbage. NICE CLAW-HANDS. The one thing I think they did well was the way they filmed the first chase scenes from behind Travolta's head, showing only the dreds and nothing of his face. If that was even him, maybe it wasn't. I'm not a fan, at all. Honestly I can barely stand the guy; I think the only good scenes he had in Pulp Fiction were his (non-speaking) dance scene at Jack Rabbit Slim's and the (non-speaking) driving of the Malibu straight across the sidewalk onto Lance's lawn. Throw this and everything else in the trash.

I'm sorry, that was a little harsh, I'm sure Mr. Travolta is a perfectly lovely person. But you won't get  anywhere playing it safe. . .

Also, in terms of shinola, I found three films that served as an antidote to this horrible, horrible list:

Crazy Heart (hottest Colin Farrell has ever looked, swear to God)
The Lost Boys ("hello, Thorn!" + killer soundtrack)
The Fighter. (first thing I've seen where Christian Bale *does not* make me want to procreate, but very, very well done.)

Hope Floats. 8 Crazy Nights.

Blah, very blah.

Hope Floats, 1998, directed by Forest Whitaker. Written by Steven Rogers.
starring: Sandra Bullock, Gena Rowlands, Harry Connick Jr.

"A woman who comes back to her home town in Smithville, Texas, with her daughter after a very sloppy and painful divorce has to deal with the people in her town." (IMDB).

The nicest thing I can say about this is that it would probably bring immediate sleep to the most troubled insomniac. That, and it didn't infuriate me. The names of the mother/daughter characters (Bertie, Berniece) interested me for a few minutes; the name Bertie brought back a personal memory of the call center at NWA, when an excitable yet pleasant Southern woman told me that her name was "Pickles" while I was making her reservation; turns out her name was BERTIE PICKLES, but she was so giddy about booking her flight she didn't quite process that I had asked her for her first name. Silly, I know, but I won't ever forget her. I remember trying not to laugh, "Um. Your name is Pickles?"

And if you attended the Corn Capital Days parade between 1998 and 2000 you'll probably remember Berniece. "She" strolled along with the clowns, although she wasn't dressed as one herself. That's all I'm going to say about  her. Damn, I have a picture somewhere, lost in Olivia. Anyone else have one?

And yes, the film was more boring and pointless than the two ridiculous anecdotes I've shared with you, trust me.

Eight Crazy Nights, 2002, directed by Seth Kearsley. Written by Brooks Arthur.
starring: Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider

"Davey Stone, a 33-year old party animal, finds himself in trouble with the law after his wild ways go too far. In keeping with the holiday spirit, the judge gives Davey one last chance at redemption-spend the holiday performing community service as the assistant referee for the youth basketball league or go to jail." (IMDB).

You may enjoy this if you are a fan of Sandler's "Fatty McGee" voice (I am). Also if you are drunk/stoned out of your mind. Otherwise, pass.

Step Brothers, Riddick, Cloverfield.

Yes, YES, and YES! In the interest of time, these are going to be short. And mostly about my personal feelings, not filmmaking, so deal.

1. Step Brothers, 2008, directed by Adam McKay. Written by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay.
starring: Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly.

"Two aimless middle-aged losers still living at home are forced against their will to become roommates when their parents get married." (IMDB).

Clearly this kind of humor is not going to appeal to everyone. If you have a husband who acts similarly to the characters, you might appreciate it a bit more. This whole film was like watching the experiences of Matt Adams (and that isn't an insult, my husband is extremely entertaining); anatomy jokes, watching quality on the couch, making up sick songs, etc. I found it hilarious. I honestly didn't stop laughing, like, at all. Just ridiculous. So, so inappropriate and ridiculous. Will Ferrell can be my wingman anytime.

Diesel channels your inner kick-ass!

2. The Chronicles of Riddick, 2004, directed by David Twohy. Written by Jim Wheat.
starring: Vin Diesel, Judi Dench, Colm Feore.

"5 years after Pitch Black, the wanted criminal Riddick arrives on a planet called Helion Prime, and finds himself up against an invading empire called the Necromongers, an army that plans to convert or kill all humans in the universe." (IMDB).

I think you have to dig either fantasy or Vin Diesel in order to enjoy this. Lucky me, I dig both. Not to generalize, but I can see where partners having to sit through this (or any other Vin Diesel film) might get a little restless while their male mates are probably oozing testosterone, roaring rebel yells loudly ("#$*& YEAH! VIN DIESEL ROCKS!") but if you give him a chance, ladies, you might be pleasantly surprised.

 That said, this film probably would have been a good one without him. I thought the women (Judi Dench, Thandie Newton) were well-cast and very interesting. And visually, the film was amazing. Great sound. Amazing landscapes and effects. My favorite? The tentacle-y sun, reaching out to burn everyone with its beautiful, slithering rays. Gives quite a new meaning to "Fire on the Mountain, run boys, run!" doesn't it? And speaking of kick-ass, how about that ending, yeah?

What a great poster!

3. Cloverfield, 2008, directed by Matt Reeves. Written by Drew Goddard.
starring: Mike Vogel, Jessica Lucas, and Lizzy Caplan.

"Revolves around a monster attack in New York as told from the point of view of a small group of people."(IMDB). 

I had big plans to hate this film; I. CANNOT. TOLERATE. HAND-HELD. Like, at all. I spent the entire day after seeing The Blair Witch Project with a severe case of the bed-spins; I avoided seeing Avatar in the theater for fear of the same (obviously Cameron is a bit above using hand-held style but the motion? Heave). I get vertigo really easily. I can barely even turn my head around in the car for Christ's sake!

However. Even with an enormous chip on my shoulder coming in, I liked this. It was skillful, credible, funny in parts (kid holding the camera, and constant sarcastic explanations, "it's something, it's very terrible" or "we don't know what they are, also terrible.") ! And it scared me. Scene in the empty subway tunnel, flashing lights? I was ready for it to be something funny, or gross, like a scurrying rat, and I kept asking Matt, WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS THAT THING? JUST TELL ME! He giggled and said nothing; when they find the night-vision setting on the camera and then discover what it is? I literally jumped about a foot in the air. The bites on that girl? Very gruesome. The repeated bashing of one of the "creatures" with what, a pipe? And the noises it made? Right on.

Nicely done, all. But tread lightly if you have any sensitivity in your inner ears, really.

Wills.

Blades of Glory, 2007, directed by Josh Gordon, Will Speck. Written by Jeff Cox.
starring: Will Ferrell, John Heder, Amy Poehler.

"In 2002, two rival Olympic ice skaters were stripped of their gold medals and permanently banned from men's single competition. Presently, however, they've found a loophole that will allow them to qualify as a pairs team." (IMDB).

I was completely fine with this. I mean, clearly it wasn't meant to win any awards or anything, but I laughed pretty much the whole time. It was crude, and the humor was just embarrassing and dorky, but I thought it was funny. "You smell like urine." "A lot?" or "Whoever invented rope is an asshole," as Ferrell's character struggles to untwine himself from a trap. And can we just talk about the name for a minute? CHAZZ MICHAEL MICHAELS. This makes me laugh now, sitting here alone in the computer room. I have never like Amy Poehler in anything before, certainly not SNL, but I thought she was well-suited for this. It's a silly, slapstick-y bunch of nonsense, but it's good for a lot of chuckles. I can see Will Ferrell's films doing really well in the stoner sector, if you know what I mean.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy,  2004, directed by Adam Mckay. Written by Will Ferrell and Adam Mckay.
starring: Will Ferrell, Christina Applegate, Steve Carell, Paul Rudd.

"Ron Burgundy is San Diego's top rated newsman in the male dominated broadcasting of the 1970's, but that's all about to change when a new female employee with ambition to burn arrives in his office." (IMDB).

Absolutely not what I was expecting. And while I found it actually less funny than Blades of Glory, I kind of dug the silly little stylistic things they did, almost in an Austin Powers kind of way: the random popping up during his jazz flute bit, the animated TAKE ME TO PLEASURE TOWN scene, bursting out into barbershop quartet "Afternoon Delight?" Silly. Call me crazy, but I thought the shaggy hair, sideburns, and 'stache really worked for Paul Rudd (hot). I haven't been able to watch Steve Carell without clenching for years now, and this didn't help matters. Christina Applegate has always been really pretty, I think she just had to fight hard to shed her Kelly Bundy image; I liked her. And she has cute freckles, never knew that!

There may be a few more Ferrell films on the list but honestly, if they are all like this, I'll be just fine with them. I think he's funny. And for my money, I don't think there's been a more entertaining presidential impersonation than his W. Too bad there's not a film about that.

Thin Line.

A Thin Line Between Love and Hate, 1996, directed and written by Martin Lawrence.
starring: Martin Lawrence, Lynn Whitfield, Regina King.

"An observable, fast-talking party man Darnell Wright, gets his punishment when one of his conquests takes it personally and comes back for revenge in this 'Fatal Attraction'-esque comic thriller." (IMDB).


This might not have been that bad, I don't really know because I was extremely bored. I think this is because I'm not really a fan of Martin Lawrence and the scenes I liked best were the ones with Bobby Brown and Regina King who I found much more likable. I think I might have been more attentive had they made him a little more charming and less of a dolt. 


In other news, I have something cooking for next month that I'm extremely excited about, it will involve a contest and a new, FUN film list! A sort of anti-Valentine's Day list, or alternative Valentine's Day list if you will. Does anyone really like Valentine's Day anyway? I don't. It reminds me of a crazy ex boyfriend I had during my first two years of college, the one that whipped a screwdriver (drink, not tool) across the room once when he was mad at me. He also jumped out of a moving vehicle on Skyline Drive in Duluth a different time he was mad at me. What a creep. 


Anyway, these bad films are really starting to get to me. I'm willing to finish what I started, but for some of these there's just not enough booze in the house to make them tolerable, you know what I'm saying? Ya-ya Sisterhood was almost enough to make me swear off all of it, permanently. 

Bedazzled. Christing Ya-Ya.

Bedazzled, 2000, directed by Harold Ramis. Written by Peter Cook.
starring: Brendan Fraser, Elizabeth Hurley

"Hopeless dweeb Elliot Richards is granted 7 wishes by the devil to snare Allison, the girl of his dreams, in exchange for his soul." (IMDB).

This was silly, but there were moments that I laughed. And honestly I'll give anything a shot if it's about the Devil. I do think that Elizabeth Hurley was either miscast in her role (the devil) or they overwrote the character if they had her in mind for it. She's obviously attractive and has this kind of low, seductive voice that I thought they should have spot-lighted, instead they had her kind of giggly and impish. Brits just shouldn't be Americanized, that's all there is to it.

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, 2002, directed by Callie Khouri. Written by Rebecca Wells.
starring: Ashley Judd, Sandra Bullock, Ellen Burstyn.

"After years of mother-daughter tension, Siddalee receives a scrapbook detailing the wild adventures of the "Ya-Yas", her mother's girlhood friends." (IMDB).

This ranks extremely high on this list I've got going here; it might not be the worst film ever made but it's definitely the dumbest. I honestly cannot believe anyone would dig this, it's an insult to every woman that ever lived.

1. Those scenes with the little girls (ya-ya's) would have been extremely cheesy even in a kid's film. This sort of thing is the exact reason most people think women shouldn't direct films or write books. QUIT IT. And I know Callie Khouri can write as she did just fine with Thelma and Louise. She didn't write this but she chose to direct it. Bad idea.

2. Everyone's character was a complete caricature and despite this, I believed exactly none of them in their respective roles.

3. For the character of Vivianne (played by both Ashley Judd and Ellen Burstyn), just what exactly was her beef in life? Was it that she just always needed the spotlight? That her boyfriend died in the war? That she couldn't handle motherhood? That her own mother was jealous of her? If the answer is any of these things, I still could not care one bit less what the hell her deal was, I couldn't stand her from the beginning. I mean I didn't like anyone at all in the entire film, but Vivianne was unlikable with a vengeance. You hate your husband and kids, fine. You want to leave them, fine. You beat your kids with belts, fine. Then years later you think you're justified in getting upset because your daughter says she had an unhappy childhood? This is what is known as "paying the fiddler" YOU RABBIT MOTHER.

4. I tend to allow Ellen Burstyn a very small window of tolerance, normally, since her portrayal of Sarah Goldfarb (Requiem for a Dream) in addition to being extremely well done was the inspiration for my online moniker Television Lady. Obviously I don't have anything in common with the character as I'm not an old Jewish broad, I don't have a red dress, and I'm not popping amphetamines (yet) but I can see myself someday yammering on about how I'm going to be on television though, and it's one of my all-time favorite roles. She deserved the Oscar that year but lost out to someone she and the other nominees (in the words of my friend HCV) "acted circles around," Julia Fricking Roberts for Erin Brockovich. I consider this to be pretty much the world's biggest pisser.

Be all that as it may, she should have known better than to take up with this truck of garbage and it makes me not like her for it. What a mess.

You've Got Mail (and by contrast, something wonderful).

Seriously, zzzzzzzzzzzz.

You've Got Mail, 1998, directed by Nora Ephron.
starring: Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan.

I'm just going to go ahead and say that this film (and anything else Nora Ephron has had her hand in) is not my bag, baby. I won't say that it's bad, but it's really just not for me. And there is something about Meg Ryan that really is not for me, either. In this she was supposed to be quirky, charming, bubbly, and cute, but I just wasn't having it. Also, despite the fact that this little story mostly revolves around books, I couldn't find one likable thing about it SAVE for The Godfather film references. Snore.

In other news, my partner in crime has decided that he's had enough of the bad film list and has taken command of the television for at least an hour each night screening SPARTACUS instead. What a treat this has turned out to be! And I'm not just digging the buffed up gladiators or the slow motion fight scenes or the noblewomen's hair and dresses or anything superficial like that (although these things are nice); it's awesome! I highly recommend it if you have Starz---careful though, it's real steamy. Make sure the kids are in bed, yeah?

The Mutant Chronicles.

The Mutant Chronicles, 2008, directed by Simon Hunter.
starring: Thomas Jane. Ron Perlman, John Malkovich.

"28th century soldier Mitch Hunter leads a fight against an army of underworld Mutants." (IMDB).

Well, the best thing I can say about this? It's clear that someone, somewhere involved in this production was trying hard to do something. What, I don't know. The only thing that kept me going were the ridiculous kill scenes and random deaths going on; after each I would comment, "Well, at least *their* troubles are over. I, on the other hand, have to keep watching this truck of garbage."

It's silly. And the (tak!) Cop from Desperation is parading around as some sort of holy man or sage leader in a blood red cape; I'm sure this is relevant to something, somewhere, like a bishop or Spartacus connection or something, but after about three minutes I quit trying to think about anything that was happening because it was all literally cheesier than a Michael Bay film.

Something nice: I caught the obvious nod to Paths of Glory at the opening and appreciated it: trenches, rounds exploding, viewing (the anthill?) in binoculars. And the concept of the continents being ruled by corporations was actually kind of clever and cool, they should have just focused on that, IMHO. How the hell did they sign Malkovich onto this waste?

Freeway and a surprise.

Freeway, 1996, directed and written by Matthew Bright.
starring: Reese Witherspoon, Kiefer Sutherland.

"A twisted take on 'Little Red Riding Hood' with a teenage juvenile delinquent on the run from a social worker traveling to her grandmother's house and being hounded by a charming, but sadistic, serial killer/pedophile." (IMDB).

Ugh. This is definitely the most disturbing thing on the list. I know it's kind of dismissive of me but subject matters like this one really just send me packing, I can't handle it. I saw this when it first came out, probably on HBO, and completely missed the Little Red Riding Hood references (the most ridiculous? Kiefer's character, the disgusting villain, named BOB WOLVERTON, just slightly less ridiculous than Vanessa (Witherspoon) taking her things in a basket, complete with red-checked napkin over the top). Jeez.

It was just too taboo, this taking advantage of people's vulnerability and innocence. And since Jack Bauer is one of my top five favorite characters, ever, I really hate anything that disgraces Kiefer and this takes the proverbial cake in that department. True, he picked the role, but seriously. Yuck.

The Surprise?
BEST WORST MOVIE EVER MADE.
Just One of the Guys, 1985, directed by Lisa Gottlieb, written by Dennis Feldman.
starring Joyce Hyser, Clayton Rohner, and William Zabka.

"Terry Griffith has got it all -- looks, popularity, the perfect college boyfriend, and an article that's a shoo-in to win her a summer internship at the local newspaper..." (IMDB).

One for Jack. . . 

I like the people in this, so even though the acting is *terrible*, it's still fun to watch. First off, William Zabka? Always a good business decision. You'll remember him from The Karate Kid or my personal favorite, European Vacation. Secondly, Clayton Rohner and Deborah Goodrich (Rick and Deborah) would later go on to star together in April Fool's Day; it was fun to see them in more innocent roles here. Sherilyn Fenn (Audrey Horne) makes an appearance (although this seems to be well before she went and got her teeth capped); she's always fun.  And while the writing is clenchingly bad, there are some giggles, mostly from the sex-obsessed brother. Terry's voice ("huh-huh. Just Finished.")   The general package of her acting like a boy. The constant mentioning of "MY ARTICLE!"
This shit is so bad, it's good. Make sure you have booze, though.

Balls of Fury

Balls of Fury, 2007, directed by Robert Ben Garant. Written by Thomas Lennon, Robert Ben Garant.
starring: Dan Fogler, Christopher Walken, George Lopez.

"Down-and-out former professional ping-pong phenom, Randy Daytona, is sucked into a maelstrom when FBI Agent Ernie Rodriguez recruits him for a secret mission. Randy is determined to bounce back and win, and to smoke out his father's killer -- arch-fiend Feng." (IMDB).


Hmmm. I didn't hate it. I didn't really care for it much, but you know, I would probably stop on it if I were flipping channels late at night. There were some funny moments and you know I dug the Def Leppard. My husband thought it was hilarious and asked me about thirty times WHO PUT THIS ON THE SHIT LIST? He thought it was awesome. (enough said).

The Box.

The Box, 2009, directed and written by Richard Kelly.

"A small wooden box arrives on the doorstep of a married couple, who know that opening it will grant them a million dollars and kill someone they don't know." (IMDB).


I'm sure everyone probably knows this already, but this feature film is based on a short story that was originally made into a (new) Twilight Zone episode, Button, Button in the late eighties. I came across a pretty sweet blogger who has the original youtube posted, if you're interested in seeing it; Mare Winningham (Wendy, wearer of the scuba-suit support hose from Saint Elmo's Fire) stars as the wife.

The Jaded Viewer

So really, I didn't hate this as much as I thought I would. I very nearly had to get up and walk around when Norma (Cameron Diaz) first opened her mouth, number one, a southern accent, and number two, a teacher of philosophy? CAMERON DIAZ AND SARTRE? Please. And her playing a mother is probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life; the woman from Throw Mama From The Train is more maternal than Cameron Diaz. She's very pretty though, prettier in this than probably anything else I've seen her in. And after a while the bad southern didn't bother me anymore, probably because it was disguising her normal grating voice, so it kind of ended up working, you know?

I also liked a lot of the mise en scene; this takes place in 1976, so there was plenty of patterned wallpaper, which (secretly) I love. Norma has a scene where she's putting hot rollers in her hair, fun!
The story is . . . interesting, I'll say that. And while I appreciate trying to incorporate something awesome (The TZ) into a bigger picture, drawing on events from the writer's own life, I think he really bit off more than he could chew with this whole thing.

Wow. 

1. The Box Story
2. The Planet Mars business
3. The disfigured man a link between them?

It got too ridiculous near the end. And they kept changing their own rules and adding more and more layers to something that was already a little far-fetched. I think the original story worked simply because less was more. The guy dropped off the box, they pushed the button, he picked it up, "AND NOW I'M GIVING IT TO SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW." The End. We didn't know how he knew they pushed it, we didn't know where the box came from and we didn't need to--it would have been unnecessary. I realize that in order to flesh a 20 minute short out into a full length film they needed to take some liberties in extending the plot a little, and I give him full marks for being interesting, I suppose, but I just didn't really dig it all that much.

P.S. A few good friends and I redid our own version of The Box for an eleventh grade English project; one ending had a Scooby-Doo "meddling kids" twist with a completely random character we made up by the name of June Monday. I was the box-deliverer, three friends were button-pushers, and one other was the unfortunate victim, decorating a Christmas tree singing a St. Nicholas Day song my German Teacher Mother taught us the year before. She ended up biting it right after "Lustig, lustig, tra-la-la-la-la." It was a good time.

Crossroads.

Crossroads, 2002, directed by Tamra Davis. Written by Shonda Rhimes.

I think star vehicles are effective when the character the star is playing = close in character to the star herself. This film would have been a lot more believable if they hadn't put Britney in the role of valedictorian and future doctor. (Clint Eastwood doesn't play a hairdresser).

And this was well before she got all . . . public with her bare vagina and K-Fed and all the bat shit, but she is a cute girl with a cute, toned body that LOOKS CUTE IN UNDERWEAR. If I were Lynn Spears I would have made sure my daughter knew this instead of taking to flashing her shit around town like Sharon Stone.

All About Steve.

I tried to watch this a few months ago. I can't remember why, maybe to cause myself some discomfort or as punishment, but I turned it off after about thirteen minutes. So I was a little apprehensive about doing it again. . .

All About Steve, 2009. Directed by Phil Traill. Written by Kim Barker.
starring: Sandra Bullock, Bradley Cooper, Thomas Haden Church.

"Convinced that a CCN cameraman is her true love, an eccentric crossword puzzler trails him as he travels all over the country, hoping to convince him that they belong together." (IMDB).


Yeah, it was horrid. To be fair, the director had only done television up to this point and the writer had done exactly one other screenplay, but yeah, who okayed this? Since I actually made it through the whole thing this time and could appreciate the message, if you could call it that (Bullock's character, Mary Horowitz is eccentric, kooky, and annoying but in the end realizes that she likes herself just the way she is), I also learned that the entire film and the roundabout way it actually *gets* to that end is completely random and unbelievably thrown together. And this is my beef with Sandra's films and chick flicks in general: PUT SOME WORK INTO IT, PEOPLE! I saw How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days back when it first came out, thinking I would hate it but I ended up kind of digging it because it played on stereotypes about annoying chicks. I'm not trying to be harsh or unsentimental, but this was just a story of an annoying chick being annoying. I guess the strongest point of it (for me) was that it let me know that at least I'm not that bad. . . 


Something Nice: Sandy physically looked very cute in this and she has really nice legs.

Inching Along. . .

I have 29 more left on the list. PLUS Battlefield Earth. Why do I always overcommit myself?
The next three below were all very. . . blah, it's the best word I can use to describe them.

Desperate Measures, 1998, directed by Barbet Schroeder. Written by David Klass.

Beatleguise?

starring: Michael Keaton, Andy Garcia.

I'm not putting in an IMDB synopsis because it seems to mess with the HTML and line spacing, and I don't have time for that, so in one line? COP GETS CONVICT TO AGREE TO BONE MARROW TRANSPLANT FOR HIS TERMINALLY ILL SON; THINGS GO WRONG.

This did nothing for me. Keaton is usually good, or at least entertaining, but in this he was just not cast right, I don't think. Andy Garcia is among the long and distinguished list of celebrities I'd like to get in the sack, but even he was lame. It was acted all right and put together fine, film-wise, but nothing ever really grabbed me. It's one of those films you can walk away from (many times) and not really care if you've missed much. Blah.

Lady in the Water, 2006, directed and written by M. Night Shyamalan.
Starring: Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT THIS WAS ABOUT. I WAS VERY BORED.
I'm surprised that I wasn't on board with this; it's about writing and stories, after all. It was just too ridiculous, I think. Again, could walk out for a few minutes and come back not caring at all if I had missed anything. Bad Television Lady, I know. I should have been right up close, taking notes, but I can usually tell within the first few minutes if something is going to be worth my time, and this just seemed like a huge boner kill from the word go. Blah x 2.

The Bodyguard, 1992, directed by Mick Jackson. Written by Lawrence Kasdan.
Starring: Whitney Houston, Kevin Costner.

She was seriously stunning in this.

BODYGUARD HAS THE HOTS FOR HIS CLIENT. THINGS DON'T GO WELL.
Ha! This wasn't on the list, was it! But I felt justified in making the executive decision to include it for a few reasons, 1. I kind of like it. 2. Everyone I knew in high school *hated* it, violently. 3. Kevin Costner needs to be on this list, it's just a given. 4. I can sometimes get a little . . . blunt and bitchy when it comes to the things I write about films, and I don't want to stomp on anyone else's preferences or make it look like I'm in any way being elitist or a know it all about all this---I admit, some of the things I like are cheesy and not great. I'm human. Opinions are like . . . well, you know.

First off, did you know that there were two pretty major nods to classic cinema in this?
1. Rachel (Houston) wears a metallic silver faux armor when she gives the impromptu performance at the club, referencing the character of Maria (when she turns into a crazy sex-robot) in the film German film Metropolis; there are actually scenes from the film on screens in the background as Rachel sings, too!
2. Farmer (Costner) takes Rachel to see Yojimbo, (English translation: The Bodyguard) directed by Akira Kurosawa. Akira Kurosawa is probably one of the greatest directors, ever. I obviously didn't catch either of these two items when I first saw the film, but seeing them last night brought a smile to my face.

The love story is cheesy, the action is mostly minimal, but I thought both actors were good in their roles, believable. The bigger issue here is how completely this film brought me back to 1992. I was sixteen then, with horrible skin, a severely moody disposition, and pining always for the same jerk that deflowered me and then cheated with about half the population of Renville County. I was very much someone who was influenced by a Frank Farmerlike bodyguard who might someday show up and carry me away, probably not unlike the next group of girls in the late nineties would later be by Leo's Jack Dawson in Titanic. And while I'm not the biggest fan of Whitney Houston musically, I think the soundtrack was really quite good, I listened to it hours on end during wrestling tournaments in high school. These memories weren't exactly my favorite ones ever, but it's funny how a (shitty) film has the ability to stir them up, isn't it?

The Bounty Hunter, Vanilla Sky.

This was a really unpleasant duo.

The Bounty Hunter, 2010, directed by Andy Tenant. Written by Sarah Thorpe.
starring: Jennifer Aniston, Gerard Butler, Gio Perez.

Rachel?

"A bounty hunter learns that his next target is his ex-wife, a reporter working on a murder cover-up. Soon after their reunion, the always-at-odds duo find themselves on a run-for-their-lives adventure." (IMDB.)


You know a film is pretty flat when the best thing about it is KE$HA'S music. And I'll say this delicately, as Jennifer Aniston is looking damned good for 40----she's not 23 anymore and Friends is over. Gone are the days of standing around and making repeated and frantic limb gestures while everyone else gets the zingers. Looking pretty isn't really enough. (B O R I N G).


Vanilla Sky, 2001, directed by Cameron Crowe. Written by Alejandro Amenábar.
Starring: Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz, Cameron Diaz.


"A successful publisher finds his life taking a turn for the surreal after a car accident with a jaded lover." (IMDB). 


Some people like this. I fricking hated it, more than I've ever hated a film before in my life. And before anyone starts jumping to conclusions, it's not because of Tom Cruise, although I don't really like him, and it's not because of the chances the film takes on the twists in the narrative--if anything THAT kept me watching the screen instead of putting a pillow in front of my face and covering my ears. I hated this film because it was THE. MOST. WRETCHEDLY. written and acted piece of garbage I have ever had the displeasure of seeing. I'm not talking about the story, I'm talking about the screenplay that became this film. The dialogues were literally the shittiest of the shitty, shitty lines read by shitty actors that the shitty director thought were permissible? In the film American Movie, Mark Borchardt is sitting (stoned), watching his radio show being performed and later says, "I was no longer paying attention to the actors and the performances. I realized I was no longer a director; there were stilted performances and I did nothing to rectify the situation."

(!!!) ET TU, CAM?


Of course, Oliver Stone also said once that some actors just don't take direction. He worked with Cameron Diaz himself (Any Given Sunday) and she seemed to be equally cringe-worthy in that. Gag.


And what was with the music, popular songs fading in and out at ridiculously inappropriate times? I don't care what kind of Rolling Stone guru you were, almost every piece of background music was a jarring disruption in an already speed-bumpy movie. 


I hated everyone in this and every line uttered. WORST. FILM. EVER. The end.

Beware the Fury of a Patient Man: Punch Drunk Love.

Punch Drunk Love, 2002, directed by Paul Thomas Anderson. Written by Paul Thomas Anderson.
starring: Adam Sandler, Emily Watson, Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

"A beleaguered small-business owner gets a harmonium and embarks on a romantic journey with a mysterious woman." (IMDB).


Before I say anything, I'll say that I *loved* this, loved it in the theater, loved it ever since, and loved it last night. But I can absolutely see how it would really annoy the piss and blood out of people. The score alone was like tin foil on fillings, but I think everything worked as a production because that uncomfortable flow, that tense anti-Sandler-like weirdness (I dare speculate) was the point of it all. I don't think they marketed this as a traditional comedy, but they maybe should have warned people about it since I've talked to about a million people who truly hated this film.


This is why I liked it:


1. I think Adam Sandler did this role really, really well. "Yeah, no, I gotta stay here. I can't leave, I gotta stay here." It was an interesting, believable portrayal of a man who has been beaten down his whole life (by women). I cheered every time he broke something or started beating up inanimate objects.


2. I won't get too political with this (light hearted blog), but those sisters? Horrible human beings, all of them. Shrew/wife-beater/bully, it's all the same to me. 

3. The love story was amazingly well done in the midst of all the erupting chaos. Those scenes where Barry (Sandler) stands with all the ringing, the scolding, the questions, and the forklifts crashing, I realize this is not a traditional picture of what happens in mixed company, but I thought it was a really skillful take on building anger and frustration, and not one that's limited to the socially awkward. Had this not ended well between Barry and Lena I would feel very differently about it, but as things were, I was extremely pleased when all was said and done. 


4. Uncomfortable humor (as a genre) I don't think really got going maintstream until The Office (American production wasn't until 2005), so I don't think that many people quite anticipated this sort of humor, especially from Adam Sandler. Paul Thomas Anderson seems to have a gift for it---one of my very favorite scenes from Boogie Nights was Dirk Diggler's (Mark Wahlberg) uncomfortable deadpan on the couch in the cocaine house with the exploding firecrackers and Jesse's Girl blasting? It went on forever and I'm sure it annoyed people but man, I thought it was killer! Life is full of those weird, awkward pauses and blank looks, isn't it? People say strange things. People lose their tempers. Families members are weird to each other. Humanity is crazy! 


So as Dexter's season finale airs tonight, I'll be taking a break from the shit-fest. I can barely wait to see what tomorrow's mail holds in store for my netflix, if the mail carrier can actually get here, of course. We just got done with the biggest blizzard in at least a couple years over here!