Tales from the Crypt: Yellow

New favorite episode, ya'll. When I heard what it was about (thanks, Donald), I knew I would like it, but I didn't think I'd love it. I did, a lot; so will anyone who enjoyed Paths of Glory.

Yellow. Directed by Robert Zemeckis, written by Gilbert Adler, A L Katz, Jim Thomas, and John Thomas (screenplay). Starring: Kirk Douglas, Dan Aykroyd, Eric Douglas.

So what they did, basically, was to take the most unappealing character from Paths of Glory (lieutenant Roget, the yellow drunk that gets his men either killed, or court-martialed, and then executed) and make him the main character here as the yellow (read: cowardly) son of the general, who was probably patterned after the awful Mireau from the film. Eric Douglas plays the son; Kirk Douglas plays the father/general.

I can't decide if we (the audience) are meant to have sympathy for the son, Martin, because it's hard to. No Man Left Behind? Not in this dude's case, he's pretty much all for himself, repeatedly. And each time you might start to feel a tiny bit of compassion for him, he just does something else selfish and you're back on the General's side again. Which becomes weird when you realize what he ends up having in store for his own son's punishment (after the court martial) . . . saw that coming a mile away, but it was so gloriously fitting, not only for the Tales From the Crypt Series but for the very kind of portrayal the general was given, the character/motivation taken from General Mireau from the film and the show's homage to it (and maybe to a lesser degree, the implications of the dynasty of the Douglas Family)---there was only one way to end this. Which sorry to sound insensitive, was genius.

When you think about it, these shows all sort of deal with what happens in varying situations of selfishness---gold-digging, infidelity, cowardice, etc.; I think the message really is DON'T DO THAT.
This episode was done brilliantly and not without a little light humor: e.g., Sgt Ripper (!)---Lance Henriksen, (Bishop from Alien) repeatedly seeks the lieutenant's whereabouts from unfortunately expired soldiers, saying "damn," each time. And huge, HUGE ups for that opening scene, not only the battle action but I can't help thinking there's little nod to All Quiet on the Western Front, with a yellow flower instead of a butterfly? Nice.

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT (clip)


One of my favorite badass scenes of all time, Colonel Dax in PATHS OF GLORY (clip)


YELLOW (clip)

Tales from the Crypt, Season 3, episodes 7-13

Inching along. You'd think it'd be easy to get through a series of half-hour shows, wouldn't you?

7. The Reluctant Vampire 

"A good natured vampire takes a more novel approach to satisfying his blood lust with his chosen undercover employment." (IMDB). 


Solid enough; Malcolm McDowell (from A Clockwork Orange) as "Longtooth" I think was vital, he just seemed really likable and kind of sweet. I think fans of modern vampires will find this one really old and stuffy: no hot lead, no glamouring, no sparkling, nothing---but if you were into vampires before Bon Temps and The Cullens, you'll probably dig it all right. George Wendt, Sandra Dickenson, and Michael Berryman (Weird Science, Star Trek, and the Crue's SMOKING IN THE BOYS ROOM video) co-star. Pretty interesting group.

8. Easel Kill Ya

"Painter Jack Craig gains himself a wealthy patron when he sells a morbid painting. He soon finds that in order to please his patron, he must continue to paint pictures of death - and this leads him down a murderous path." (IMDB). 

Kind of far-fetched, but again, a solidly entertaining episode. Tim Roth has never really done much for me before, but he was pretty hot in this as an angry, outburst-prone artist. I got a really creepy Christian Shephard vibe from the white-wearing benefactor, but it worked. The relationship with the chick didn't seem all that serious in the beginning, but I guess (after she finds out the truth behind his art) he decides he really loves her? Nice ending.

9. Undertaking Palor

"Four boys find out that the local undertaker and a pharmacist are in cahoots to murder rich locals and profit from their funerals." (IMDB). 

This was fun. I mean, at first those boys seemed really annoying and just a bunch of foul-mouthed jerks, but it came together well when that awful mortician popped in. Eating pizza and guzzling Pepsi as he embalms a woman (who he had also just bashed in the face with a sledgehammer?) . . . gross. He seemed really excited and gleeful to be doing what he was doing, and honestly, a good, creepy villain makes for a great episode, so I approve 100%.

10. Mournin' Mess


"There's a killer on the loose who preys on the homeless. Dale Sweeney is a recently fired reporter. He's approached by a homeless man named Robert who is accused of committing these murders. He tells Dale that he will give him the whole story with names to help prove his innocence if Dale will go the Grateful Homeless Cemetery and hang out until sunset then meet him after. Dale gets sidetracked by Jess Gilchrist, the spokesperson for the Grateful Homeless Society. By the time he meets up with Robert, he finds he has become the latest victim of the homeless killer. Dale is on his own to uncover the identity of the killer." (IMDB). 


Also fun. But like her husband (Tom Hanks), I just can't be okay with Rita Wilson in a sexual role---she just seems too . . . wholesome and good or something. Steven Weber does a great "all writers are drunks or assholes" bit; didn't see the ending coming, like, at all. John Woo would have been appropriately delighted by it, I think.

11. Split Second

sick.

"Liz is a beautiful, but loose, bar waitress who marries Steve Dixon, the rich owner of a lumber camp. It Isn't a difficult decision as he's able to offer her a fairly comfortable life. But Steve has a violent jealous streak, not liking the attention she get's from his 'salt of the earth' employees. Things begin to turn sour, particularly in the bedroom, and Liz get's bored very quickly. But when the handsome young Ted turns up at their door looking for a job, the promiscuous seductress sets her sights on relieving her boredom." (IMDB). 

Grotesque and enjoyable. And by grotesque, I'm including the fashion, the sick dialogue, and that MULLET-SPORTING LOGGER HUSBAND, too (not just the grisly ending, which is very Fargo-ish).
I tried forever to figure out who the female lead was---Michelle Johnson, who was none other than the faux-French stuttering Anna from the spa in Death Becomes Her. Anyway. Severely uncomfortable for most of the duration but still worth watching. Very 90s.

12. Deadline

"Charles McKenzie is a drunk out of work reporter who would do anything for a story. He meets Vicki in a bar who makes him feel like he can turn his life around. He quits drinking and can get his old job back as long as he can stay on the wagon and prove he can still bring in a good murder story. While reading a newspaper in Niko's Grill, he hears the owner kill his wife in the back. This is just the story he needs..." (IMDB).

Meh. Kinda lamesville; not a lot of flow and ridiculous ending. Skip it, unless you're interested in quick glimpses of Marg Helgenberger's breasts.

13. Spoiled

"Janet is married to a doctor who's married to his work. She wants to live her life with passion, danger, and romance like Fuchsia Monroe, a soap opera character she watches religiously. When her television goes haywire, her friend Louise convinces her to get cable. With her husband unresponsive to her "needs," she begins a steamy affair with the cable guy." (IMDB). 

Both funny and kind of annoying. Would have been better with Jim Carey as the cable guy as I don't know, a precursor to the film version. I just kept wanting Anthony LaPaglia to announce himself that way, or to just start getting all perv-y and weird immediately, but he almost seemed too polite? Come on. Polite cable guys don't bang doctor's wives on service calls. (Mein Supervisor sez there ist problem mit dein Cable?) Nice ending.

Tales From The Crypt, Season 3

Now *this* is what I'm talking about. These are the kinds of episodes I associate most (positively) with the show, this is what it's all about. Four of these six are honestly big favorites of mine; watching them all in a row was really fun.

1. The Trap 


"An abrasive husband comes home to tell his wife that he has lost his job again. She reminds him that they are behind on their bills and suggests she get a job. He refuses. Instead, he comes up with a scheme to make a lot of money quick. Calling his coroner brother over, he tells them his plan to fake his own death and collect his half a million dollar life insurance policy." (IMDB). 

This is entertaining because of the lead actor, Bruce McGill. ("I'm Lou Paloma. Blow me.") That, and the story is kind of funny, too. Michael J. Fox directs and has a cameo; I think it all comes together just fine. Also, I like Terri Garr, who played the wife.

2. Loved to Death.

Gross.

"A classic "boy wants girl, girl is unresponsive to his attentions" storyline gets the Tales from the Crypt treatment, as a young man gets a Love Potion by his mysterious landlord, in an attempt to win over the girl of his dreams. But things soon get out of hand..." (IMDB). 

Clearly I'm no fan of Andrew McCarthy's, but this one is definitely in my top five, ever (adapted from The Twilight Zone's "The Chaser,"). I mean, be warned, it's extremely annoying (I don't know which is more so, the actors or the characters they're playing) but it's a good one. The twist is ridiculously fun; the original had the new Mrs. knitting some baby booties (to stop what ends up happening in this). Ha ha; be careful what you wish for . . . .

3. Carrion Death


"A sadistic serial killer has unforeseen complications when pursued by a determined motorcycle cop in a barren desert." (IMDB).

Not the strongest in the lineup, but worth watching. 1. Kyle McLaughlin, Agent Cooper in the bad boy role? Yes. 2. There are some silly bits of comedy in this crime story, dancing with and talking to corpse antics, etc. 3. The effects with the vulture are really terrible, but terrible enough for you to suffer through or someday show your kids to illustrate just how differently films and shows were made before computers did everything.

4. Abra Cadaver


"A former potential surgeon sets out to wreak revenge on the brother who's cruel practical joke prevented him from realizing his dream." (IMDB).


I always liked this one; it's just really unnerving. Tony Goldwyn had just come off the Swayze-assassinating character in Ghost---this will be cathartic for anyone who held a grudge (which is probably no one, or no one that reads this, anyway). This whole experience was like being buried alive, but above the ground, with people messing with him. Shudder.

No, no, NO! It's all WRONG!

5. Top Billing


"An unattractive and unlucky actor can't get a role because of his looks. His agent and girlfriend leave him. But he doesn't intend to give up - he wants the role of Hamlet." (IMDB). 


All right, here it is, y'all. MY FAVORITE EPISODE IN THE SERIES. I don't know how many times my brother and I watched this (since we recorded it on a beta tape somewhere, probably), but it was a lot. A little background----I had no interest in reading Hamlet (or Shakespeare) until after seeing this, and for those who think television has no intrinsic value to children or teenagers, I'll have you know that I quoted Hamlet's speech by Yorick's grave for Martinson (OPIE) in whatever literature class he taught junior year---just because I felt like throwing it into the essay question and because even then, I was probably laughing hysterically about this show and Biggs----the son of a bitch gave me like five bonus points for it (moving my score up to like 104%, thanks very much). God dammit, sometimes I'm fucking brilliant.

Anyway. This is damned near perfect, this is. It's well-written, well-cast (not only Lovitz, Boxleitner, and Astin, but Sandra Bernhard, Louise Fletcher, and Kimmy Robertson are all excellent), SARCASTIC as hell---"I especially love the last commercial you did, you know, that tango over the top of a disposable DOUCHE!" And the theater bit is perfect. On the characters---my favorite is Biggs (always calling the director "your vastness" or "your bloatedness,") along with his gestures and that lisp . . . I'm giggling now just thinking about it. Obviously John Astin steals the show, but the supporting characters (and how they were written) are brilliant and I think that's what really makes it. I'm not saying anything else because building it up too much would be a mistake, but just know that this is one of my very favorite things, ever in the universe. Myles Berkowtiz was the screenwriter on this . . . BRAVO, sir, BRAVO.

6. Dead Wait


"Red Buckley is a natural red head in search of a one-of-a-kind black pearl." (IMDB). 


This is another one I really like; Whoopi Goldberg, John Rys-Davies, James Remar, and yes, fricking VANITY (Nikki Sixx's heroin buddy) all star together. The way she says, "worm tracks," is actually pretty brilliant----but even though it's all really fake-looking, those worms are downright nasty. Ick, but great ending.

Tales From The Crypt, Season Two: Till Death, 3s a Crowd, The Thing From The Grave

I really hate to be a negative Nancy, but these three (back-to-back) were really not great. This happens in The Twilight Zone occasionally also, where you have to suffer through a few groaners in order to get to the brilliant ones. I don't know where Top Billing rates in the chronology of this series, but damn, I hope it's soon.

Looking good, Maggie.

Till Death
Starring: D.W. Moffett

I'm just going to start writing my own synopsis-es now; IMDB's seem to be written by idiotic amateurs.
Gold Digger romances a (voodoo-practicing) native woman and breaks her heart. To get even, she cooks up a special love potion for his next victim to ensure she'll always be with him----till death AND BEYOND!

The transition from uptight "bitch on wheels" to um, well, hot-to-trot nymphomaniac was funny. As was her ridiculous falsetto-virbrato voice all the time, especially after her death. The rotting corpse just keeps getting more disgusting, which was nice, and the ending was clever (oh, so you're just going to kill yourself to escape her? I think not, say the Voodoo gal); it's entertaining. Definitely the best of the lineup of these three . . .

Three's a Crowd

Seriously, could he be any grosser?

starring: Gavan O'Herlihy, Paul Lieber, Ruth de Sosa

In an episode that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, a horrible, drunken, bitter jackass of a man suspects his innocent, leagues-superior, and secretly pregnant wife of having an affair with his friend. Turns out they were just planning an anniversary party to announce the pregnancy, to which the jealous husband drags her dead corpse, shocking everyone.

UUUGGGGGHHHHHHH. This one literally makes me want to vomit. That dude (O'Herlihy) is (sorry), the grossest, foulest, most disgusting man in existence. I mean, I think there might have been a necrophile reference also, after he killed her ("let's go work on that kid some more?") Come on. I watched this and I wanted to physically harm the guy. If Bill Sadler embodied the physical attributes of my absolute worst creepy ex, then this jerk had his jealousy act down to perfection. DIE. If I ever see this one again my head just might explode. Yuck. NO CLIPS.

The Thing From The Grave
Starring: Miguel Ferrer, Teri Hatcher, Kyle Secor

This was so ridiculous I don't even know what happened, really. Teri Hatcher plays a model with an abusive boyfriend (Ferrer) and low self-esteem, what a shocker. Secor is, surprise, the photographer that offers her refuge from the creep; boyfriend finds out, kills the photographer, but he takes his promise so seriously that he returns (from the grave) to save her again. I think there may have been a date-rape scene between Ferrer and Hatcher which is obviously upsetting, but I think I was so bored that I was doing other things by then (I was probably returning videotapes). YAWN.

Tales From The Crypt, Season Two: The Switch; Cutting Cards

The Switch.
Starring: William Hickey, Roy Brocksmith, Kelly Preston, Rick Rossovich

"Kelly Preston is a sexy young woman looking for a handsome young stud or so she thinks." (IMDB).

Casting is the best thing about this one; Rossovich (Slider from Top Gun) donates his body and face to Hickey (Uncle Lewis from Christmas Vacation, no stogie this time) in order to impress Linda (Kelly Preston, with 1990's most enviable perm) under the guidance of Rotwang-inspired mad scientist Roy Brocksmith, a regular supporting actor in the show's first two seasons. Cameo in the intro by director, The Arnold Schwarzenegger. Other than that, this one is kinda lame. I mean, the (yet un-transplanted) faces floating in the aquarium were cool, and in my notes I wrote something about someone's maniacal laughter that obviously impressed me at the time, but damn if I can remember who did it . . .

Again with the gold-digging. Meh.

Cutting Cards
starring: Lance Henriksen, Kevin Tighe

"Reno and Sam are a pair of hardcore gamblers who don't play for fun, who challenge each other in a sample game of cards and the end result could be deadlier then they could've ever bargained for." (IMDB).

Hilarious. These guys were great. I think this was the first episode that dropped the "F" bomb, regularly; these two snarly old dudes cussing at each other? Perfect. Again the casting was nostalgic; Henriksen as Bishop from Alien, and Tighe as . . . wait for it . . . THE KIDNEY-STEALING, TOSS HIS SON OUT OF A FOUR STORY WINDOW CAUSE SAWYER'S PARENTS TO OFF THEMSELVES ANTHONY FUCKING COOPER FROM LOST!!! What a creep.

Is "Chop Poker" a common thing among gamblers with vendettas? It seemed to be used as such a casual reference that it almost seems like it might be. And the name Reno Crevis? I don't know who came up with it, but I like it; he almost seemed like a calmer, less sociopathic Bobby Peru with better orthodonture. When the time comes for the first "chop" to be made, Tighe yells out, "Careful! Only one!" Because the bragging rights for staying in town are worth that much to them? Wow. What a couple of stubborn old bastards. Ending is genius; check it out.

Tales From The Crypt, Season Two: Dead Right

Dead Right.
Starring: Demi Moore

"Cathy wants a rich and successful life, and fast. She visits a medium who tells her she will meet a man who will inherit a lot of money, and die in a violent way soon after. When she meets grossly overweight Charlie who informs her of his rich relatives, she promptly marries him. As it turns out, the medium is always right." (IMDB).

This episode is the best example (for me) of what Tales From The Crypt is all about. It's occasionally scary but is mostly disturbing and comical. The gross factor in this one wouldn't have been quite so bad if she hadn't always been talking about how bad the big guy smelled all the time, but because she did, I was squirming in discomfort every time he came on. Charlie Marno is what Adam Sandler's Fatty McGee grew up to be, and lucky him, he got to mess around with two of the most famous breast implants in the world before getting juiced in the electric chair . . . could be worse, I suppose.

Kathy? Is that you?
Yes it is, you fat, disgusting slob!

"I know I'm a little overweight,"
"Yeah, and Hitler's a little anti semitic."

There's a lot to love in this one, though. Her flailing, frantic run down the dark street to Madame Vorna's, horrified that Charlie Marno is the "large man" they had earlier spoken about, the man she would marry. Charlie Marno's CONSTANT table-slapping made me giggle just because it was so ridiculous, and most of all---those little dance vignettes thrown in between scenes of her (unsatisfying) married life? Jazz music, hopping around to "Dancing Cheek to Cheek." Seriously, it makes me laugh now just thinking about it.

This is a good one. I detect a running theme, applicable to both genders: DON'T BE A GOLD DIGGER.

Tales From The Crypt, Season One: Lover Come Hack to Me; Collection Completed

Lover Come Hack to Me.
Starring: Amanda Plummer, Stephen Shellen

"Peggy wants to make sure her honeymoon turns out perfect." (IMDB).

(treading lightly) So am I going to ruffle a bunch of feathers if I say that I really like this one, too? Like, a lot. As the newlyweds come inside the deserted old house, Peggy sees a giant axe over the fireplace and asks, "What's that?" The husband replies, "It's just a family portrait of someone's mother-in-law!" Isn't he just witty! Well, no, actually, he seems like an enormous dick the entire time; I can't honestly believe any new spouse, male or female, would be okay with such a shitty attitude (on a HONEYMOON!) But it's all part of the plan, isn't it!

1. When Peggy tells him she's scared (outside the house) he barks back at her, "YOU'RE ALWAYS SCARED, PEGGY!" Jeez.

2. He shows no joy in carrying Peggy across the threshold, and probably wouldn't have bothered had she not brought it up.

3. Peggy tells him, "You know, I'd do anything for you," and he replies, "Oh, and I'd do anything for you, too!" and then, under his breath, "and your bank account . . ."

4. As they, you know, do it (she's a virgin) his implied "entering" is done with an unnecessarily violent thrust. Come on. She just said she was a virgin, man! I'm not saying he deserved the axe in such a way, but I don't even think Tucker Max would do something like that . . . . this new husband (Charles) is a real icky guy.

I get severely annoyed watching this one, but I love it just the same. Amanda Plummer is a very unique looking (gap-toothed) actress, and although her voice really bothers me, I found her perfect for this role. I dug the oh-so-obvious pure-white transition to sin-black (in Peggy's wardrobe) and the orgasmic clock-defiling scream was nice, but the sex scene was uncomfortable enough to almost make me FF through it . . . I mean, Jesus Christ. Enough tongue action; it's not sexy and it just reminds me horribly of Andrew McCarthy (which is to say that it's gross). Cut that shit out. Nice kill scene, though.
(no clips this time; You Tube is being difficult).


Collection Completed
Starring: M. Emmet Walsh, Audra Lindley

"Jonas has been forced into mandatory retirement. He can't relax, though, because Anita's friends are driving him crazy." (IMDB).

Yes, that's Mrs. Roper as the crazy cat lady in the bathroom (whose husband is newly retired).

I kind of remember thinking this one was boring the first time I saw it (I was in eighth grade) but ha. Now that I'm married (and have been for a long time) I saw a lot of comedy in it this time around. Bonking heads over the sink, eye glasses flung into the toilet, grabbing the same towel, scalping the tree in anger---it's slapstick and silly but it's kind of cute, too. Clearly he's annoyed by his wife anyway, without all those damned animals all over the place---I giggled a lot each time he snapped, "GOD DAMMIT, ANITA," and this is mostly because Matt often utters the same thing to me, unrelated to stray animals but me doing things like letting the kids play with Easter grass or making something with too many onions for dinner.

This clearly could have worked as a silent, the actions are all very self-explanatory, and again, the slapstick humor probably could have carried it without any dialogue at all. Funny enough, this episode is also the most realistic of the entire season . . .

Anyway. Full speed ahead with season 2, and for October reading, it's Stephen King ALL MONTH, BABY!

Tales From The Crypt, Season One: Only Sin Deep

Only Sin Deep
Starring: Lea Thompson

"A hooker learns that beauty is only skin deep." (IMDB).


This one is definitely in my top ten. Granted, there are huge annoyances--- the gum chewing and that horribly gruff voice Thompson uses topping the list--- but it's fricking AMANDA JONES and she's playing a prostitute! Girls will probably like this one better, if at all, because she gets to have perfectly hot-rollered hair, a million little bottles and canisters of perfume and makeup, endless amounts of jewelry, and sexy black lace underwear. And check out all those turtleneck/suit dresses at the party, and that whip-synth music! It's very early 90s nostalgic. Oh, and let's not forget, GOODWIN FROM LOST (Brett Cullen) as her would-be boyfriend, awful and flat 80s hair on him here but still pretty hot.

So now that I've done a few of these and have considered exactly what's going on in terms of storytelling, I'll say that you really, really need to be able to be along for the ride if you're going to enjoy any of them. These stories are not grounded in reality and nothing is really ever explained. And actually, you can kind of consider it a series of stories about not-smart people who make terrible decisions (the evil men do). Don't second guess any mechanics---just embrace the ridiculousness. In this case, yes, it's completely outlandish that some creepy old pawn shop owner keeps his dead wife physically beautiful by stealing other women's beauty, but the details make the show worth watching. Once the first tiny wrinkle shows up on her face we know that things are going to get ugly fast. Sylvia's beauty was stolen. The pawn shop owner's voodoo works. In the end she comes after him with a stick looking very much like Pam from True Blood experiencing a similar facial effect (and clad in the very same beekeeper outfit). Nice!

Tales From The Crypt, Season One: Dig That Cat

Dig That Cat, He's Real Gone
Starring: Joe Pantoliano

"A bum displays his ability to resurrect himself." (IMDB).

This isn't my favorite, but I really love Joey Pants (RALPH CIFARETTO from The Sopranos). From inside a coffin Ulric explains how he came to be there---a crazy scientist implanted a specific gland from a cat into his brain, giving him the cat's nine lives. The scientist wastes the first life by shooting Ulric to prove the experiment's success but Ulric eventually gains fame and fortune in a circus act where he is killed and then resurrected in front of a live audience. The twist comes when he miscounts the number of lives he has to spend . . . the realization comes to him as he's buried inside the coffin.

There are some really excellent bits of production in this episode that make it comical; that whiney circus woman he ends up dating, the toothless old bag who wins the lottery and gets to fry him with electricity ("YOU BET YOUR ASS I'M READY!") and Robert Wuhl as that obnoxious circus barker. Also, "Polanski wants to film my life story. All of them." They used some interesting wipes between scenes, pieces of glass shattering, and other random, explosive shapes. Funny. And Joey also had an almost Nicholson-like evil grin in one of his early scenes just as the scientist discovers him, eyebrows arched and everything; that was awesome.

But honestly my favorite part of this was The Crypt Keeper's synopsis at the end---before he does it, he gently pets a black cat with his ghoulish hands, "There, there. Nice Kitty," and then, as it jumps off the table away from him, "GET!" You can watch it below:

Tales From The Crypt, Season One: All Through The House

Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch!

All Through The House
Starring: Mary Ellen Trainor, Larry Drake.

"A greedy woman makes the mistake of murdering her husband while an escaped mental patient dressed in a Santa Claus outfit is on the loose." (IMDB).

Killing a husband is a lot harder than you'd think: fireplace poker gets stuck in the cranium, blood stains the coffee table and carpet, he's heavy and difficult to haul, and so on. Logistics! Bad luck when a homicidal maniac in a santa suit comes around and decides to get in on the action.

This episode is pretty slapstick and ridiculous, but it's fun to watch. The way crazy-santa (Larry Drake of Doctor Giggles fame) scampers by the windows or makes little jingling noises off camera is priceless. And how about those teeth! We're talking about possibly putting Bobby Peru to shame with that mouth full of raisins! Yuck! As with The Twilight Zone, many of the episodes in this show focus on people as their own worst enemies, masterminding their own undoings (the evil men do) with a few supernatural helping hands here and there. It's actually pretty rare when there's a scary villain, a crazy, stalking killer, but this one has it and he's awful. Mary Ellen Trainor (sister Elaine from Romancing The Stone) is spot-on as the scheming (and later hysterical) MILF; all dolled up and parading around in that red nightgown, calling her lover on the phone after the deed is done ("we're free, darling, we're finally free!")---gets her come-uppance, though. Sigh. . . the ideological snares of offing a spouse.

Watch this one for the comedy.

Tales From The Crypt, Season One: The Man Who Was Death

The Man Who Was Death.
Starring: Bill Sadler

"After the death penalty is abolished, an executioner continues his former job through freelancing..." (IMDB).

This is a perfect first episode; good music, clever script, nice little twist at the end, and an actor who can carry it pretty much all on his own. Bill Sadler (you'll probably remember him from Shawshank Redemption a few years after this) was perfect as execution specialist Niles Talbot. The script mentions Oklahoma as Talbot's home state, but whatever southern accent he was going with was *perfect* for this sort of narrative and kept the character from becoming too stoney and sociopathic---he's just a good old boy, after all, right? He drops the early syllables on a lot of his words and damn if it wasn't (almost) sexy? Behind becomes 'hind, between, 'tween, and so on. I almost think listening to this as a radio program would work just because of his voice! "Treat whores like queens and queens like whores and they're on their backs quicker than you can say 'Son of Sam.'" Words of wisdom, Niles, words of wisdom. I first saw this episode back in 89 when it first hit HBO; I have never forgotten that statement.

The music was perfect, too. Those eerie, circus-y themes going on during the walks (both first and last) to the electric chair were damned creepy, almost too happy and manic for what was happening on screen, but they worked. As the biker Jimmy Flood is riding up to the fence (which Niles has of course electrified) the instrumental is a good one, Link Wray's Rumble (which Tarantino used during the uncomfortable silence segment inside Jack Rabbit Slim's).

The twist at the end is predictable, but a good one---not unlike the sort of turning of tables that goes down in The Obsolete Man in The Twilight Zone's second season. And should we talk a little bit about the introduction, also? Opening theme by Danny Elfman, of course, (who else) and John Kassir does the voice of The Crypt Keeper. Excellent character, although this introduction had him a bit more reserved than later ones, hardly any cackling at all and mostly throaty giggles and a lot of hand-rubbing. I prefer my Crypt Keeper obnoxious with high-pitched womanly laughter, thank you; the self-electrocution was a nice touch, though, I'll keep that.

I love this show. Check out Niles's final project below (spoilers):

Cedar Rapids, Rubber, Geeks.

Hail Mary again:

1. Cedar Rapids. I laughed a few times. It was like Napoleon Dynamite with swearing and meth, so good there, and I liked the credits against a yellow screen. Also, Reid Rothchild (John C. Reilly?) has become the token character of my husband's humor in pretty much everything he does lately. If Matt had not married me and had become some sort of traveling salesman I am convinced he would be just like Beansie.

2. Rubber. I thought this was excellent. Tire rolling around on its own, setting off wiggly telepathic head-exploding powers as it goes from place to place? Awesome. It gets a crush on a dark-haired girl in a short skirt. Audience members (on screen) are made to stay in the desert and watch this unfold with binoculars. Forcing the audience to become part of the story. Taking on Hollywood at the end. Love it. This reminds me of the kind of thing I'd have to watch for school (Bunuel, Antonioni, even Lynch) and then come home to watch again with a one-hit and a sixer of Rolling Rock. (nostalgia).

High cheekbones, slightly frosted hair, YOU MUST BE DANISH!
(actually I'm Polish).

3. What up, Geeks?: I'm not watching any new horror films for October this month, last year kind of wrecked it all for me and I'm still not all that cool with sleeping with the lights off even now, so I'm doing something different, something better. TALES FROM THE CRYPT, bitches! All of them. Give me some feedback on your favorites, okay? Also, I am recycling some of my better reviews from last year's Scariest Films Ever list for Examiner; check out my page if you're interested in reading them.