Sunday, December 5, 2010

Gigli, Nothing But Trouble, and Mortal Thoughts.

This is going to be a serious test of my endurance, these first three nearly destroyed me.

1. Gigli, 2003. Directed by Martin Brest, written by Martin Brest.
starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez.

"The violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a retarded man came to be best friends through a hostage." (IMDB).

My response to this summary? There is no real violence, the criminal lesbian and tough-guy hit man are completely clueless in their respective roles, and while they spend a lot of time digressing about their own caricatured attributes, ("Women don't need penises,"/"I'm an Original Gangster,") there is never any validity to anything. Riki (Lopez) was a lesbian but decides to go for Gigli (Affleck). It's also interesting that despite having what is most likely the world's best body, Jennifer Lopez delivers nothing but void. Gigli claims he's a hard core gangster, but he really just shuffles around and cowers to his equally worthless gangster boss. The cameos by Christopher Walken and Al Pacino are as pointless and random as the rest of this film; I cannot believe anyone involved actually stuck this out to the end. I blame the writer; there was nothing that was going to save this wreck.

And far be it from me to be dramatic, but somehow I got sick while I was watching this, probably because Matt kept pulling the pillow away from my face (trust me, the film was still awful with just the audio present, so it wasn't like I was getting relief). Every scene was torture. I think I asked about six times "how long have we been watching this?" ---this is a two hour film. There was a lot of kicking and flailing, and the next day my stomach was sore from having such a fit. I had a drink next to me on the floor and I seriously couldn't risk having a single sip of it because I was already so nauseated. So honestly, since there is nothing that can make this film tolerable (except maybe earplugs and a blindfold) so far this is safely THE WORST FILM EVER MADE. All films henceforth will be judged at least partially on whether or not they are better than GigliMartin Brest? May God have mercy on your soul. 

2. Nothing But Trouble, 1991. Directed by Dan Aykroyd, written by Peter Aykroyd.
starring: Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, Dan Aykroyd, John Candy.

"A businessman finds he and his friends the prisoners of a sadistic judge and his equally odd family in the backwoods of a bizarre mansion." (IMDB).

I think what happened here was that Dan Aykroyd's little brother wanted to, you know, do something major, and unfortunately, no one had the stones to tell him his story was a complete waste. This film was just one big mess. I would probably be able to forgive Demi Moore, she's not a comic actor, but the rest of them should have known better. There was no real organization to anything that happened, I'd try to break down some sort of summary but there's really no point because the story is so incredibly lame you'd probably think I quit watching and just made it all up. 

It's better than Gigli, however, and here's why: 
1. There is a funny scene of Dan Aykroyd (playing a warthog-faced buffoon) eating a hot dog. It's obnoxious and gross, but funny.
2. The Granddaughter (who is John Candy in drag) dangles her enormous undergarments in Chevy Chase's face. It made me chuckle a little because it was a very Chris Farley thing to do, even though it was before Chris Farley's time. 

So it made me laugh twice. Everything else was utterly absurd. 

Yes, Keitel again. No nudity. Too bad.
3. Mortal Thoughts, 1991. Directed by Alan Rudolph, written by William Reilly and Claude Kervin.

"Cynthia comes forward to talk to detective John about the murder of her best friend's husband. The story is told as a series of flashbacks... James was a bullying, verbally and physically abusive husband. His wife Joyce has, on a number of occasions, expressed her intention to kill him. One night when all three are at the fair, Joyce has a row with James, and Cynthia helps James back to the van. But later he was found dead." (IMDB).

This is also a mess of a film, but with the added bonus of New Jersey accents. There is a "twist" at the very conclusion that reveals that Cynthia (Demi Moore) was really the one who killed James (Bruce Willis), and this creates a few more questions about the rest of the film, the most obvious being, SO WAS ALL OF YOUR TESTIMONY BULLSHIT, THEN, OR JUST THE PART ABOUT YOU NOT KILLING HIM? Then again, you're so happy that the film has ended, you will most likely decide not to push it any further. This film was very bad, but less bad than the previous two. Seeing all the acid washed jeans and big hair made me a little nostalgic for 1991. For like, ten seconds.


Justin Garrett Blum said...

Nothing But Trouble was pretty bad. But it did have a cameo by Digital Underground.

What a weird, lame movie.

Anna said...

i almost forgot! that was the other part that was kind of okay. it didn't last nearly long enough though.

Donald said...

I saw that movie because my dad rented it. He was so excited when he brought it him, because he knew my siblings and I all loved Chevy Chase and John Candy. My god were we all horrified.

The only person who makes it through mostly unscathed is John Candy, if only because he has a certain quiet dignity about him.

Justin Garrett Blum said...

I guess your dad should probably be forgiven, since it wasn't so easy to get movie reviews back then. Nowadays, however, you'd have no excuse. If you didn't go to IMDb, see the 4.1 rating, and pass it up, you'd be a fool.

Anonymous said...

British is not my primary language, however I could fully understand it utilizing the google translator. Perfect content, have them coming! Thanks a lot!

Donald said...

Thanks, Justin. I'm going to call my dad right now to tell him I love him.