Space Invaders: Done!

Vin's Space Invaders. This was by far the easiest of the Atari projects because I finally discovered BLACK FABRIC! I'm pretty sure I ruined my eyesight permanently from doing the black stitching on Miss Pac Man. I had to make it two players because one just seemed too lonely. And not colorful enough. LOST Stained Glass is coming up next.

LLL Winners:

Donald W. Pfeffer and April Studer Kelsey. Great Job, Guys!
Thanks, everyone who gave it a go! The next one will be much easier, I promise.

#$*&, Shinola.

Thank Goodness this month is almost over.

Friends With Money, 2006, directed and written by Nicole Holofcener.
starring: Jennifer Aniston, Joan Cusack, Francis McDormand, Catherine Keener.

"After she quits her lucrative job, Olivia finds herself unsure about her future and her relationships with her successful and wealthy friends." (IMDB).

Something here just didn't compute. I mean, I thought the money thing was fine, mostly because I know what it's like to be broke. Maybe it was that J-Aniston was *at least* ten years younger than each of the co-stars who composed her BFF circle. The other actresses were competent and believable, but the relationship with Olivia didn't seem very realistic; maybe they should have cast someone older. That was unbelievable issue #2, actually. Unbelievable issue #1 that still irks me is that Olivia, while cleaning houses, just decided to help herself to an employer's, um, bedroom device? This happened in the film's montage opening while each of the characters are being introduced. Really? Is this customary? I suppose the weirdness of it helped to bridge my gaps of boredom between Jason Isaac's few (lucious) scenes. I spent a lot of the time thinking (about Keener's character), "You are married to Lucius Malfoy. And instead of tapping that, you're complaining that he doesn't say anything when you burn your hand? You're dumb." See, this is why I swear and rant and do all the other things I do; if I ever became like any of the women in this film it would really upset me.

Battlefield Earth, 2000, directed by Roger Christian. Written by Corey Mandell.
starring: John Travolta, Forest Whitaker, Barry Pepper.

"After enslavement & near extermination by an alien race in the year 3000, humanity begins to fight back." (IMDB).

Whoa. So this is what all the fuss was about! I'll take an apocalypse film over a chick-flick any day, but yeah, this was mostly garbage. NICE CLAW-HANDS. The one thing I think they did well was the way they filmed the first chase scenes from behind Travolta's head, showing only the dreds and nothing of his face. If that was even him, maybe it wasn't. I'm not a fan, at all. Honestly I can barely stand the guy; I think the only good scenes he had in Pulp Fiction were his (non-speaking) dance scene at Jack Rabbit Slim's and the (non-speaking) driving of the Malibu straight across the sidewalk onto Lance's lawn. Throw this and everything else in the trash.

I'm sorry, that was a little harsh, I'm sure Mr. Travolta is a perfectly lovely person. But you won't get  anywhere playing it safe. . .

Also, in terms of shinola, I found three films that served as an antidote to this horrible, horrible list:

Crazy Heart (hottest Colin Farrell has ever looked, swear to God)
The Lost Boys ("hello, Thorn!" + killer soundtrack)
The Fighter. (first thing I've seen where Christian Bale *does not* make me want to procreate, but very, very well done.)

Hope Floats. 8 Crazy Nights.

Blah, very blah.

Hope Floats, 1998, directed by Forest Whitaker. Written by Steven Rogers.
starring: Sandra Bullock, Gena Rowlands, Harry Connick Jr.

"A woman who comes back to her home town in Smithville, Texas, with her daughter after a very sloppy and painful divorce has to deal with the people in her town." (IMDB).

The nicest thing I can say about this is that it would probably bring immediate sleep to the most troubled insomniac. That, and it didn't infuriate me. The names of the mother/daughter characters (Bertie, Berniece) interested me for a few minutes; the name Bertie brought back a personal memory of the call center at NWA, when an excitable yet pleasant Southern woman told me that her name was "Pickles" while I was making her reservation; turns out her name was BERTIE PICKLES, but she was so giddy about booking her flight she didn't quite process that I had asked her for her first name. Silly, I know, but I won't ever forget her. I remember trying not to laugh, "Um. Your name is Pickles?"

And if you attended the Corn Capital Days parade between 1998 and 2000 you'll probably remember Berniece. "She" strolled along with the clowns, although she wasn't dressed as one herself. That's all I'm going to say about  her. Damn, I have a picture somewhere, lost in Olivia. Anyone else have one?

And yes, the film was more boring and pointless than the two ridiculous anecdotes I've shared with you, trust me.

Eight Crazy Nights, 2002, directed by Seth Kearsley. Written by Brooks Arthur.
starring: Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider

"Davey Stone, a 33-year old party animal, finds himself in trouble with the law after his wild ways go too far. In keeping with the holiday spirit, the judge gives Davey one last chance at redemption-spend the holiday performing community service as the assistant referee for the youth basketball league or go to jail." (IMDB).

You may enjoy this if you are a fan of Sandler's "Fatty McGee" voice (I am). Also if you are drunk/stoned out of your mind. Otherwise, pass.

Step Brothers, Riddick, Cloverfield.

Yes, YES, and YES! In the interest of time, these are going to be short. And mostly about my personal feelings, not filmmaking, so deal.

1. Step Brothers, 2008, directed by Adam McKay. Written by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay.
starring: Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly.

"Two aimless middle-aged losers still living at home are forced against their will to become roommates when their parents get married." (IMDB).

Clearly this kind of humor is not going to appeal to everyone. If you have a husband who acts similarly to the characters, you might appreciate it a bit more. This whole film was like watching the experiences of Matt Adams (and that isn't an insult, my husband is extremely entertaining); anatomy jokes, watching quality on the couch, making up sick songs, etc. I found it hilarious. I honestly didn't stop laughing, like, at all. Just ridiculous. So, so inappropriate and ridiculous. Will Ferrell can be my wingman anytime.

Diesel channels your inner kick-ass!

2. The Chronicles of Riddick, 2004, directed by David Twohy. Written by Jim Wheat.
starring: Vin Diesel, Judi Dench, Colm Feore.

"5 years after Pitch Black, the wanted criminal Riddick arrives on a planet called Helion Prime, and finds himself up against an invading empire called the Necromongers, an army that plans to convert or kill all humans in the universe." (IMDB).

I think you have to dig either fantasy or Vin Diesel in order to enjoy this. Lucky me, I dig both. Not to generalize, but I can see where partners having to sit through this (or any other Vin Diesel film) might get a little restless while their male mates are probably oozing testosterone, roaring rebel yells loudly ("#$*& YEAH! VIN DIESEL ROCKS!") but if you give him a chance, ladies, you might be pleasantly surprised.

 That said, this film probably would have been a good one without him. I thought the women (Judi Dench, Thandie Newton) were well-cast and very interesting. And visually, the film was amazing. Great sound. Amazing landscapes and effects. My favorite? The tentacle-y sun, reaching out to burn everyone with its beautiful, slithering rays. Gives quite a new meaning to "Fire on the Mountain, run boys, run!" doesn't it? And speaking of kick-ass, how about that ending, yeah?

What a great poster!

3. Cloverfield, 2008, directed by Matt Reeves. Written by Drew Goddard.
starring: Mike Vogel, Jessica Lucas, and Lizzy Caplan.

"Revolves around a monster attack in New York as told from the point of view of a small group of people."(IMDB). 

I had big plans to hate this film; I. CANNOT. TOLERATE. HAND-HELD. Like, at all. I spent the entire day after seeing The Blair Witch Project with a severe case of the bed-spins; I avoided seeing Avatar in the theater for fear of the same (obviously Cameron is a bit above using hand-held style but the motion? Heave). I get vertigo really easily. I can barely even turn my head around in the car for Christ's sake!

However. Even with an enormous chip on my shoulder coming in, I liked this. It was skillful, credible, funny in parts (kid holding the camera, and constant sarcastic explanations, "it's something, it's very terrible" or "we don't know what they are, also terrible.") ! And it scared me. Scene in the empty subway tunnel, flashing lights? I was ready for it to be something funny, or gross, like a scurrying rat, and I kept asking Matt, WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS THAT THING? JUST TELL ME! He giggled and said nothing; when they find the night-vision setting on the camera and then discover what it is? I literally jumped about a foot in the air. The bites on that girl? Very gruesome. The repeated bashing of one of the "creatures" with what, a pipe? And the noises it made? Right on.

Nicely done, all. But tread lightly if you have any sensitivity in your inner ears, really.

Now There's a GLADIATOR!

Spartacus, Gods of the Arena: PAST TRANSGRESSIONS


I'll say. This was amazing; an extremely visceral episode. The blood. The urine. The whips. The opium! What an opening!

Newcomers cast:
Dustin Claire as Gannicus
Jaime Murray (Lila from Dexter) as Gaia
I can't find proof of it yet, but I think Jango Fett is playing the Doctore. . .

Well done. A reckless, boozing, womanizing, bad boy for a champion is kind of fun; his resemblance to Colin Farrell doesn't hurt things in the least. And though I long for even a promise of Andy Whitfield down the road, seeing the history of the characters' relationships before Spartacus's time, even in this one episode, was awesome. Talk about the tables turning! Ashur WAS a Gladiator. Crixus! A meek slave! Batiatus, pissed on in the street! And that magistrate? He's a slippery snake, he is. Sex was *wild,* even by last season's standards. Wow.

I'll be tuning in next Friday.

Film Quiz Contest.

So, next month is February, Hallmark's favorite month, right? Here at Television Lady we are creating an alternative Valentine's Event; you'll get no roses, no heart-shaped boxes, and best of all NO romantic comedies here, y'all. Rather, I'm giving you a film list of Danger, Substance (which may or may not be abused), and Relations. More simply, The Locked, Loaded, and Laid List. I think you're going to like it.



DISCLAIMER: (I had a few concerns about impressionable kids coming across this)
A. DON'T DO DRUGS.
B. DON'T HAVE PREMARITAL SEX.
C. DON'T HURT OTHER PEOPLE.

Since we have some time yet before February, what better way to prepare than a little contest? The quiz is simple: There are fourteen films on the LLL list, below are three descriptions of what goes down in each one and a quote, all you have to do is name the films, send me your answers right here or on facebook and the first two people to get the most answers correct each win a $10 gift card to Half Price Books. (If there isn't a Half-Price in your neck of the woods you can opt for Barnes and Noble or Borders instead). For clues, I've tagged each description with a D (for danger), S (for substance), or R (for relations) or any combination thereof.

READY?

1. Two chicks. Mafia Husband. Red Truck.
"I have a tattoo. Would you like to see it?" (D/R)

2. Kool-Aid red hair. Berlin. Roulette.
"Die Tasche!"(D)

3. Doctor. Fidelio. Masks.
"Password?"(D/R)

4. Support Groups. Soap. Exploding Building.
 "His name is Robert Paulson."(D/R)

5. Unlicensed Boxing. Trailers. Dog.
"Yeah, Dad. You told us."(D)



6. Draperies. Leg-shake. Mini-van chase.
"Who's your daddy now?"(D/R)

7. Macedonia. Treachery. Battle.
"Then it's true. I have become a tyrant."(D/R)

8. High Rise. James Dean Biography. Television Screens.
"Are you wearing the panties?"(D/R)

9. Black and White. Stripper. Missing Limbs.
"Modern cars---they all look like electric shavers."(D)

10. Cocaine. Homecoming Queen. Special Agent.
"Not a one of us is going to eat until Laura washes her hands!"(D/R/S)

11. Red Dress. Heroin. Amphetamines.
"I'm gonna be on television!"(D/R/S)

12. The Whole Year Inn. Booze bottles. S-E-R-A.
"I'm a prickly pear!"(D/R/S)

13. Returning Videotapes. Dorsia. Chainsaw.
"Tell me, Stash. Do you think SoHo is becoming too commercial?"(D/R/S).

14. Toilet. Needles. Brits.
"We would have injected Vitamin C if only they had made it illegal."(D/S).

Have Fun!