Let's Just Calm Down.

Holy Effin' TUT. Did anyone else see Bauer last night?

I mean, I know he was pissed, but JEEEEEEEEEEEZ. That was the most disturbing episode of 24 or really anything on television that I've ever seen. Now that I think back on this whole final season, I think it's safe to say that pretty much everything that's happened has been disturbing. Granted, we had some comic relief with Hassan's Esai Morales pomp and of course, The Platypus scurrying around with her webbed feet and eggs in the mud, but damn.

1. Renee getting acquaintance-raped by the Russian.
2. Before that, Renee just slicing off that random shop keeper's finger. Or was it his whole hand?

3. Kim Bauer, again on the show.
4. The fact that they named that little girl TERRY. Okay, that's not really disturbing, but it's cheesy and annoying, so a checkmark nonetheless.

5. The execution of Hassan. Not just because we no longer get to see his pomp, but that his death was brutal and disturbing, and we all know their motivation was a Daniel Pearl-type situation, which is horrible and I thought a bit too harsh and violent for network television.

6. Renee's death was unpleasant as well, but for other reasons. Obviously she was Jack's last thread to civilization and her biting it was the straw that was going to break his back. The fact that he was all disheveled and barefoot in the hospital was also unsettling. Jack Bauer just should not be barefoot.

7. Okay, THAT DAMNED ASSASSIN DEATH SUIT THAT HE PUT ON TO GET LOGAN IN? Um, when that shit came on I can only describe my reaction as backing away slowly from the television and from 24 altogether. Really? That was fricking SCARY. Logan, though he kind of deserved everything he got, and his horrified shriek, "IT'S JACK BAUER!!!" Dude. I think in that state of mind Jack could have offed his own daughter and not even broken his stride. Hmm.

8. Are they going to execute Bauer, crimes against humanity? I mean I don't have much time to waste on 24 theories with LOST on immediately the day after, but how exactly are they going to wrap this up? Taylor is going down. Yuri Suvarov is going down. THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST KEPT AARON PIERCE ON AS SECRET SERVICE. Things never would have gotten this messed up if he had been around.

9. I think there needs to be a spinoff with Aaron Pierce just corralling all the stupidity in the US government, don't you?

Peace Out, Platypus.

So Dana Walsh's number was finally up; no silent clock, either. I had to quit watching about ten minutes from the end last night because I was just too tired to go on and had spent, like, hours trying to create a facebook page for my (television lady) self without having to create a whole separate profile, so I just now watched the last ten minutes where Jack puts two in at close range and walks away as if going out for the evening papers.

Platypus really was just a soldier, she probably just needed more money for a better dugout somewhere, and maybe some pedicures for her webbed feet. I will miss her, now that she's gone; she really brought an element of comedy that the show really hasn't had since the Ritchie torture-helmet.

Pity.

Yes, YES!

The first yes is a smaller one, but an enthusiastic one nonetheless: 24 IS GOOD AGAIN! Oh, I've been waiting so long to actually like it; I can't believe that it's finally decent once more. The only thing that could make me happier would be Nina Meyers strolling in on the arm of Tony Almeida (which, let's face it, COULD happen given how out-of-whack things have gone in the plot lately).

I fully think the turnaround began the moment Charles Logan stepped onto the scene. You have to have a slippery enemy in 24; things just don't work if you don't. The first few seasons it was First Lady Sherry Palmer.



Then we had THIS GUY! Bravo, Charles, BRAVO. I never really felt one way or another toward Alison Taylor, only maybe that she was a crashing bore. I am thrilled to no end that Logan is completely out there dragging her name through the mud and being all sinister.

BUT WHERE IS AARON PIERCE? off making the goat movie, I suppose. Too bad.

Jack Bauer in battle mode, STEALING A HELICOPTER and contradicting the President? YES! FINALLY, YES! This is why people watch the show. We don't want to see Jack playing it safe, we don't want to see Jack worrying about some chick (although the surprise sex scene with Renee just before she got whacked was kind of good), we want to see Jack Bauer kick some ass! And all this tomfoolery just so he'll be able to get Platypus in a lockdown somewhere TO TORTURE HER!



On that note, Matt told me before the show that Dana Walsh was about to meet a fitting (and comical) end during the episode; fitting because she gets WATER-boarded (platypus) and comical because she sucks, and good riddance. I was a little surprised by that, actually. No Johnson behind the 2-way mirror with his injection bag? No ripping off fingernails, no Ritchie-from-season-4-psychadellic torture helmet, but right to water boarding? I suppose we're almost to the end by now and they need to get where they're going pretty quickly, so fine, I still give it a thumbs-up.



And second, BREAKING BAD.

This is fast becoming my second favorite show, ever. I cannot believe I've come to the table so late on this, but it is amazing.
"Could you do me a favor? Could you just. CLIMB DOWN. OUT OF MY ASS. JUST A LITTLE BIT?" The sarcasm on this show is killer.



And KEN WINS's BMW blowing up at the gas station? My new, favorite moment in media, ever. Do you know how many of those douche bags I've had to make coffee for during the last four years? PLENTY. The strut and the looks and the goddamned blue tooths. . . .

WONDERFUL. Do yourself a favor and watch it NOW.

ZZZzzzzzzzzz. . . .

Goodness. My eyesight must really be going. I had to enlarge this screen like three times in order not to squint.

Anywho, 24 was a real bore tonight. I'm considering abandoning ship already just from this most recent ridiculously UNINTERESTING badness. I so SO long for the days of President David Palmer, his double-crossing wife, TONY ALMEIDA, and Jack working for CTU. I get that he's just this free agent of the system, a loose cannon not affiliated with any certain agency, but somehow this makes him LESS of a bad ass, if you ask me. At least when he had to answer to someone his rebelious nature and tendency toward unorthodox methods DROVE THE SHOW! Now it doesn't matter if he "goes dark," as he is already dark, always; no one cares! How disappointing. I have a right mind to get the second season (year of the blond Warner girls, Kate being the platypus (eventual) love interest) on netflix and start ENJOYING my Mondays again.

Yes. And speaking of Platypuses, Matt and I figured out that Dana Walsh, the highly distracted analyst with the white trash ex-boyfriend, looks very much like one. We started answering for her whenever she had any dialogue.

1. "Well, I'll help you with that in a moment, Chloe, first I have to go polish my beak."

2. "Yes, Arlo, I'll be right back! (I just have to go and bury my eggs in the mud)."

3. "I can't be on the phone anymore, Kevin, I have an appointment for a pedicure (for my webbed feet)."

I don't think she's ugly. She's actually very pretty, but she has a certain, LOOK to her, and the show is so boring it's forcing me into this.

Getting warmer. . .

This one was way more what I'm talkin' about. . . .
No Kim, minimal Taylor, and something happens! GREAT!

I did kind of enjoy Renee Walker a little bit better with all that black shit on her face; somehow she looks all good and innocent after she washes it off in the shower, which doesn't really jive with what happens next (being made to get busy with the Russian). Why did she need to take a shower anyway? I mean, obviously he wants her junk. Nakedness is not going to help matters.

Jack seems really put off by her having relations with Vlad. He actually is quite convincing as the jealous boyfriend type, maybe because he hasn't yet been able to "deliver" with any of the chicks he shacks up with. . . he just gets his manhood sliced (symbolically) left and right, once you really think about it.
He impregnates his wife, TERRI, but does not get to meet the fruit of his loins as TERRI is killed by NINA, with whom he's also had romantic relations. NINA outsmarts him for 3 seasons before he finally kills her. BLOND GIRL (from season 2) is thrown over by Jack, presumably due to his heroin addiction. CLAUDIA, Mexican girlfriend is killed due to complications during attempted escape during heroin addiction. AUDREY. . . loses her mind trying to get Jack out of China and is incapacitated. That chick he shacked up with (with the teenage son) almost gets gassed to death because of terrorists who want Jack. Not a great track record with the ladies. And now Renee. Lotsa luck, you two.

I also had a chuckle at the Russian hood, to Jack, "du hast eine Amerikanische Accente." "Funny, NOT AS BAD AS YOURS!!"
They could have coached that guy a bit better, Keifer did a way better job with the German lines, if you ask me.

Nice glasses.

I'm getting hopeful. I enjoy how this time around (SO FAR) they've kept all the bad business out of the White House. I just think that's bad for the morale of this country. I mean, we could all sort of buy it back when W. was in there, just because we were living with a moron for a president, so seeing one on 24 wasn't a stretch. Although Allison Taylor was pretty dense last year, I think this could only be seen as a dig toward what I'm sure the writers thought would be the would-be president, Hilary.

I still vote for a comeback by Nina Meyers. BEST. WOMAN. ON THE. SHOW.