Sunday, April 25, 2010

Quite Possibly the Worst Film Ever Made.

I know this is an easy target, but honestly, if any of you out there want to take a stab at making it through this entire film, I submit that you'll be undertaking a brutal task. . . I turned it off about halfway, seriously unable to go on. It would be tempting to say that Bruce Willis is a kiss of death for any non-action 80s film (MORTAL THOUGHTS, much?) but to say that would be to miss the forest for the trees, if you get me.

There was one good thing in this train wreck, a very small one thing: KIM CATTRALL. She was actually spot-on as Sherman's wife.

My list of issues?

1. Tom Hanks being cast in this, at all. Gray status of teeth not appealing. He is not sexual at all.
2. Melanie Griffith, anytime, anywhere.
3. Bruce Willis, as Peter Fallow. This guy was written as a Brit, took pride in his Brit-ness, and most of his POVs from the book dealt completely with this Brit disdainfully parading around American unpleasantness.
4. During the first half, nothing was really said about Kramer's financial situation, which seemed to be a big deal driving his actions throughout the story.
5. Whole movie told from Willis's disgusting Fallow's POV was awful. Definitely the wrong move. Who thought that up? Gross.
6. Sherman's constant "hemorrhaging money" wasn't brought up at all. Again, a big deal driving the narrative that was ignored.
7. The fact that a decent director (Brian DePalma) did this just makes me sad. Screenplay was shit. Either write it yourself or don't do it.
8. Also, did someone just allow Melanie Griffith to AD LIB her entire role? She was like tin foil on fillings, more than usual, even.

Wow. In thinking of past films that have earned this "status," I can really only think of two others, neither of which I've seen all the way through.

Pearl Harbor and, surprise, Mortal Thoughts.
I mean, there's a way to do something cheesy and have it be good, like Clerks, or Dallas. It's like the minute you lose your sense of humor about what you're doing, you just completely tank it.