Monday, January 31, 2011

Space Invaders: Done!

Vin's Space Invaders. This was by far the easiest of the Atari projects because I finally discovered BLACK FABRIC! I'm pretty sure I ruined my eyesight permanently from doing the black stitching on Miss Pac Man. I had to make it two players because one just seemed too lonely. And not colorful enough. LOST Stained Glass is coming up next.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

LLL Winners:

Donald W. Pfeffer and April Studer Kelsey. Great Job, Guys!
Thanks, everyone who gave it a go! The next one will be much easier, I promise.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

#$*&, Shinola.

Thank Goodness this month is almost over.

Friends With Money, 2006, directed and written by Nicole Holofcener.
starring: Jennifer Aniston, Joan Cusack, Francis McDormand, Catherine Keener.

"After she quits her lucrative job, Olivia finds herself unsure about her future and her relationships with her successful and wealthy friends." (IMDB).

Something here just didn't compute. I mean, I thought the money thing was fine, mostly because I know what it's like to be broke. Maybe it was that J-Aniston was *at least* ten years younger than each of the co-stars who composed her BFF circle. The other actresses were competent and believable, but the relationship with Olivia didn't seem very realistic; maybe they should have cast someone older. That was unbelievable issue #2, actually. Unbelievable issue #1 that still irks me is that Olivia, while cleaning houses, just decided to help herself to an employer's, um, bedroom device? This happened in the film's montage opening while each of the characters are being introduced. Really? Is this customary? I suppose the weirdness of it helped to bridge my gaps of boredom between Jason Isaac's few (lucious) scenes. I spent a lot of the time thinking (about Keener's character), "You are married to Lucius Malfoy. And instead of tapping that, you're complaining that he doesn't say anything when you burn your hand? You're dumb." See, this is why I swear and rant and do all the other things I do; if I ever became like any of the women in this film it would really upset me.

Battlefield Earth, 2000, directed by Roger Christian. Written by Corey Mandell.
starring: John Travolta, Forest Whitaker, Barry Pepper.

"After enslavement & near extermination by an alien race in the year 3000, humanity begins to fight back." (IMDB).

Whoa. So this is what all the fuss was about! I'll take an apocalypse film over a chick-flick any day, but yeah, this was mostly garbage. NICE CLAW-HANDS. The one thing I think they did well was the way they filmed the first chase scenes from behind Travolta's head, showing only the dreds and nothing of his face. If that was even him, maybe it wasn't. I'm not a fan, at all. Honestly I can barely stand the guy; I think the only good scenes he had in Pulp Fiction were his (non-speaking) dance scene at Jack Rabbit Slim's and the (non-speaking) driving of the Malibu straight across the sidewalk onto Lance's lawn. Throw this and everything else in the trash.

I'm sorry, that was a little harsh, I'm sure Mr. Travolta is a perfectly lovely person. But you won't get  anywhere playing it safe. . .

Also, in terms of shinola, I found three films that served as an antidote to this horrible, horrible list:

Crazy Heart (hottest Colin Farrell has ever looked, swear to God)
The Lost Boys ("hello, Thorn!" + killer soundtrack)
The Fighter. (first thing I've seen where Christian Bale *does not* make me want to procreate, but very, very well done.)

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Hope Floats. 8 Crazy Nights.

Blah, very blah.

Hope Floats, 1998, directed by Forest Whitaker. Written by Steven Rogers.
starring: Sandra Bullock, Gena Rowlands, Harry Connick Jr.

"A woman who comes back to her home town in Smithville, Texas, with her daughter after a very sloppy and painful divorce has to deal with the people in her town." (IMDB).

The nicest thing I can say about this is that it would probably bring immediate sleep to the most troubled insomniac. That, and it didn't infuriate me. The names of the mother/daughter characters (Bertie, Berniece) interested me for a few minutes; the name Bertie brought back a personal memory of the call center at NWA, when an excitable yet pleasant Southern woman told me that her name was "Pickles" while I was making her reservation; turns out her name was BERTIE PICKLES, but she was so giddy about booking her flight she didn't quite process that I had asked her for her first name. Silly, I know, but I won't ever forget her. I remember trying not to laugh, "Um. Your name is Pickles?"

And if you attended the Corn Capital Days parade between 1998 and 2000 you'll probably remember Berniece. "She" strolled along with the clowns, although she wasn't dressed as one herself. That's all I'm going to say about  her. Damn, I have a picture somewhere, lost in Olivia. Anyone else have one?

And yes, the film was more boring and pointless than the two ridiculous anecdotes I've shared with you, trust me.

Eight Crazy Nights, 2002, directed by Seth Kearsley. Written by Brooks Arthur.
starring: Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider

"Davey Stone, a 33-year old party animal, finds himself in trouble with the law after his wild ways go too far. In keeping with the holiday spirit, the judge gives Davey one last chance at redemption-spend the holiday performing community service as the assistant referee for the youth basketball league or go to jail." (IMDB).

You may enjoy this if you are a fan of Sandler's "Fatty McGee" voice (I am). Also if you are drunk/stoned out of your mind. Otherwise, pass.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Step Brothers, Riddick, Cloverfield.

Yes, YES, and YES! In the interest of time, these are going to be short. And mostly about my personal feelings, not filmmaking, so deal.

1. Step Brothers, 2008, directed by Adam McKay. Written by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay.
starring: Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly.

"Two aimless middle-aged losers still living at home are forced against their will to become roommates when their parents get married." (IMDB).

Clearly this kind of humor is not going to appeal to everyone. If you have a husband who acts similarly to the characters, you might appreciate it a bit more. This whole film was like watching the experiences of Matt Adams (and that isn't an insult, my husband is extremely entertaining); anatomy jokes, watching quality on the couch, making up sick songs, etc. I found it hilarious. I honestly didn't stop laughing, like, at all. Just ridiculous. So, so inappropriate and ridiculous. Will Ferrell can be my wingman anytime.

Diesel channels your inner kick-ass!

2. The Chronicles of Riddick, 2004, directed by David Twohy. Written by Jim Wheat.
starring: Vin Diesel, Judi Dench, Colm Feore.

"5 years after Pitch Black, the wanted criminal Riddick arrives on a planet called Helion Prime, and finds himself up against an invading empire called the Necromongers, an army that plans to convert or kill all humans in the universe." (IMDB).

I think you have to dig either fantasy or Vin Diesel in order to enjoy this. Lucky me, I dig both. Not to generalize, but I can see where partners having to sit through this (or any other Vin Diesel film) might get a little restless while their male mates are probably oozing testosterone, roaring rebel yells loudly ("#$*& YEAH! VIN DIESEL ROCKS!") but if you give him a chance, ladies, you might be pleasantly surprised.

 That said, this film probably would have been a good one without him. I thought the women (Judi Dench, Thandie Newton) were well-cast and very interesting. And visually, the film was amazing. Great sound. Amazing landscapes and effects. My favorite? The tentacle-y sun, reaching out to burn everyone with its beautiful, slithering rays. Gives quite a new meaning to "Fire on the Mountain, run boys, run!" doesn't it? And speaking of kick-ass, how about that ending, yeah?

What a great poster!
3. Cloverfield, 2008, directed by Matt Reeves. Written by Drew Goddard.
starring: Mike Vogel, Jessica Lucas, and Lizzy Caplan.

"Revolves around a monster attack in New York as told from the point of view of a small group of people."(IMDB). 

I had big plans to hate this film; I. CANNOT. TOLERATE. HAND-HELD. Like, at all. I spent the entire day after seeing The Blair Witch Project with a severe case of the bed-spins; I avoided seeing Avatar in the theater for fear of the same (obviously Cameron is a bit above using hand-held style but the motion? Heave). I get vertigo really easily. I can barely even turn my head around in the car for Christ's sake!

However. Even with an enormous chip on my shoulder coming in, I liked this. It was skillful, credible, funny in parts (kid holding the camera, and constant sarcastic explanations, "it's something, it's very terrible" or "we don't know what they are, also terrible.") ! And it scared me. Scene in the empty subway tunnel, flashing lights? I was ready for it to be something funny, or gross, like a scurrying rat, and I kept asking Matt, WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS THAT THING? JUST TELL ME! He giggled and said nothing; when they find the night-vision setting on the camera and then discover what it is? I literally jumped about a foot in the air. The bites on that girl? Very gruesome. The repeated bashing of one of the "creatures" with what, a pipe? And the noises it made? Right on.

Nicely done, all. But tread lightly if you have any sensitivity in your inner ears, really.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Now There's a GLADIATOR!

Spartacus, Gods of the Arena: PAST TRANSGRESSIONS

I'll say. This was amazing; an extremely visceral episode. The blood. The urine. The whips. The opium! What an opening!

Newcomers cast:
Dustin Claire as Gannicus
Jaime Murray (Lila from Dexter) as Gaia
I can't find proof of it yet, but I think Jango Fett is playing the Doctore. . .

Well done. A reckless, boozing, womanizing, bad boy for a champion is kind of fun; his resemblance to Colin Farrell doesn't hurt things in the least. And though I long for even a promise of Andy Whitfield down the road, seeing the history of the characters' relationships before Spartacus's time, even in this one episode, was awesome. Talk about the tables turning! Ashur WAS a Gladiator. Crixus! A meek slave! Batiatus, pissed on in the street! And that magistrate? He's a slippery snake, he is. Sex was *wild,* even by last season's standards. Wow.

I'll be tuning in next Friday.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Film Quiz Contest.

So, next month is February, Hallmark's favorite month, right? Here at Television Lady we are creating an alternative Valentine's Event; you'll get no roses, no heart-shaped boxes, and best of all NO romantic comedies here, y'all. Rather, I'm giving you a film list of Danger, Substance (which may or may not be abused), and Relations. More simply, The Locked, Loaded, and Laid List. I think you're going to like it.

DISCLAIMER: (I had a few concerns about impressionable kids coming across this)

Since we have some time yet before February, what better way to prepare than a little contest? The quiz is simple: There are fourteen films on the LLL list, below are three descriptions of what goes down in each one and a quote, all you have to do is name the films, send me your answers right here or on facebook and the first two people to get the most answers correct each win a $10 gift card to Half Price Books. (If there isn't a Half-Price in your neck of the woods you can opt for Barnes and Noble or Borders instead). For clues, I've tagged each description with a D (for danger), S (for substance), or R (for relations) or any combination thereof.


1. Two chicks. Mafia Husband. Red Truck.
"I have a tattoo. Would you like to see it?" (D/R)

2. Kool-Aid red hair. Berlin. Roulette.
"Die Tasche!"(D)

3. Doctor. Fidelio. Masks.

4. Support Groups. Soap. Exploding Building.
 "His name is Robert Paulson."(D/R)

5. Unlicensed Boxing. Trailers. Dog.
"Yeah, Dad. You told us."(D)

6. Draperies. Leg-shake. Mini-van chase.
"Who's your daddy now?"(D/R)

7. Macedonia. Treachery. Battle.
"Then it's true. I have become a tyrant."(D/R)

8. High Rise. James Dean Biography. Television Screens.
"Are you wearing the panties?"(D/R)

9. Black and White. Stripper. Missing Limbs.
"Modern cars---they all look like electric shavers."(D)

10. Cocaine. Homecoming Queen. Special Agent.
"Not a one of us is going to eat until Laura washes her hands!"(D/R/S)

11. Red Dress. Heroin. Amphetamines.
"I'm gonna be on television!"(D/R/S)

12. The Whole Year Inn. Booze bottles. S-E-R-A.
"I'm a prickly pear!"(D/R/S)

13. Returning Videotapes. Dorsia. Chainsaw.
"Tell me, Stash. Do you think SoHo is becoming too commercial?"(D/R/S).

14. Toilet. Needles. Brits.
"We would have injected Vitamin C if only they had made it illegal."(D/S).

Have Fun!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Spartacus: Blood and Sand.

I really can't tell you how much I dug this show, or how excited I am for the upcoming season, Spartacus: Gods of the Arena that starts January 22 on Starz. I highly, highly recommend it but again, just to be clear, really make sure the kids are in bed. I don't think I've ever seen so much blood. Or sex.

If you haven't had the chance to check it out yet, I'll do you a favor and help you familiarize yourself with some of the characters and goings-on in fair Capua, where our story takes place. Since social networking is most everyone's primary means of communication, I've taken the liberty of creating little faux-facebook bios for each of the characters; there are a few spoilers.

allegiance: House of Batiatus.
position: Gladiator, Champion of Capua.
relationship status: widowed.
known to say: "Kill them All."

allegiance: House of Batiatus.
position: Gladiator, former Champion of Capua.
relationship status: complicated. Ties to Lucretia Batiatus, Naevia.
known to say: "There is no greater thing than standing victorious in the arena."

allegiance: House of Batiatus.
position: Gladiator, willingly enslaved for repayment of debts.
relationship status: married to Aurelia, one son.
known to say: "the odds do not favor you."

allegiance: House of Batiatus.
position: Trainer of Gladiators.
relationship status: unknown.
known to say: "What is beneath your feet?"

also known as Quintus, Dominus, Lentulus.
position: Lanista, trainer and trader of Gladiators; head of the ludus and House of Batiatus. Proclaims position often and loudly.
relationship status: married to Lucretia, relations with many slaves.
known to say: "DO NOT #*&$ing SPEAK!"

allegiance: highest bidder.
position: former Gladiator, wounded. Batiatus's messenger.
relationship status: procures Naevia, Lucretia's slave and love of Crixus.
known to say: "Whatever you need, Ashur provides."

allegiance: House of Batiatus.
position: Lady of House of Batiatus, Domina
relationship status: married to Quintus, forces relationship with Crixus.
known to say: "A fact known well to many women," about not every venture ending in climax.

allegiance: Legatus Claudius Glaber (husband), Senator Albinius (father).
position: Friend of Lucretia, antagonist to Spartacus who is enemy of her husband.
known to say: "The Gods yet ignore us!"

These were the main characters, but there are many more of interest. The show, while being well cast and well acted is also well driven. Some of the very best scenes are the ones that show the passing of time, done by Spartacus running endlessly against a changing background into different lands or the repeated cracking of the Doctore's whip with the blazing sun at his back, happening day after day. The music, original done by Joseph LoDuca, is brilliant. Tender in parts, ethnic in others, and METAL IN THE ARENA? Nice. Fight scenes, blood, slow motion, and choreography are all really, really good.

I needed this in my winter. Best wishes and prayers to Andy Whitfield, (Spartacus); my wish is that you and every other person that battles cancer can send it to the underworld.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Coming Soon.

Greetings, new kids! Glad to have you on board.

There's a fun little contest coming up  next month, a FILM QUIZ CONTEST!  Two gift cards to Half Price Books are the prizes up for grabs, so I'm not dicking around here.

 Stay tuned.

Friday, January 14, 2011


Blades of Glory, 2007, directed by Josh Gordon, Will Speck. Written by Jeff Cox.
starring: Will Ferrell, John Heder, Amy Poehler.

"In 2002, two rival Olympic ice skaters were stripped of their gold medals and permanently banned from men's single competition. Presently, however, they've found a loophole that will allow them to qualify as a pairs team." (IMDB).

I was completely fine with this. I mean, clearly it wasn't meant to win any awards or anything, but I laughed pretty much the whole time. It was crude, and the humor was just embarrassing and dorky, but I thought it was funny. "You smell like urine." "A lot?" or "Whoever invented rope is an asshole," as Ferrell's character struggles to untwine himself from a trap. And can we just talk about the name for a minute? CHAZZ MICHAEL MICHAELS. This makes me laugh now, sitting here alone in the computer room. I have never like Amy Poehler in anything before, certainly not SNL, but I thought she was well-suited for this. It's a silly, slapstick-y bunch of nonsense, but it's good for a lot of chuckles. I can see Will Ferrell's films doing really well in the stoner sector, if you know what I mean.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy,  2004, directed by Adam Mckay. Written by Will Ferrell and Adam Mckay.
starring: Will Ferrell, Christina Applegate, Steve Carell, Paul Rudd.

"Ron Burgundy is San Diego's top rated newsman in the male dominated broadcasting of the 1970's, but that's all about to change when a new female employee with ambition to burn arrives in his office." (IMDB).

Absolutely not what I was expecting. And while I found it actually less funny than Blades of Glory, I kind of dug the silly little stylistic things they did, almost in an Austin Powers kind of way: the random popping up during his jazz flute bit, the animated TAKE ME TO PLEASURE TOWN scene, bursting out into barbershop quartet "Afternoon Delight?" Silly. Call me crazy, but I thought the shaggy hair, sideburns, and 'stache really worked for Paul Rudd (hot). I haven't been able to watch Steve Carell without clenching for years now, and this didn't help matters. Christina Applegate has always been really pretty, I think she just had to fight hard to shed her Kelly Bundy image; I liked her. And she has cute freckles, never knew that!

There may be a few more Ferrell films on the list but honestly, if they are all like this, I'll be just fine with them. I think he's funny. And for my money, I don't think there's been a more entertaining presidential impersonation than his W. Too bad there's not a film about that.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Thin Line.

A Thin Line Between Love and Hate, 1996, directed and written by Martin Lawrence.
starring: Martin Lawrence, Lynn Whitfield, Regina King.

"An observable, fast-talking party man Darnell Wright, gets his punishment when one of his conquests takes it personally and comes back for revenge in this 'Fatal Attraction'-esque comic thriller." (IMDB).

This might not have been that bad, I don't really know because I was extremely bored. I think this is because I'm not really a fan of Martin Lawrence and the scenes I liked best were the ones with Bobby Brown and Regina King who I found much more likable. I think I might have been more attentive had they made him a little more charming and less of a dolt. 

In other news, I have something cooking for next month that I'm extremely excited about, it will involve a contest and a new, FUN film list! A sort of anti-Valentine's Day list, or alternative Valentine's Day list if you will. Does anyone really like Valentine's Day anyway? I don't. It reminds me of a crazy ex boyfriend I had during my first two years of college, the one that whipped a screwdriver (drink, not tool) across the room once when he was mad at me. He also jumped out of a moving vehicle on Skyline Drive in Duluth a different time he was mad at me. What a creep. 

Anyway, these bad films are really starting to get to me. I'm willing to finish what I started, but for some of these there's just not enough booze in the house to make them tolerable, you know what I'm saying? Ya-ya Sisterhood was almost enough to make me swear off all of it, permanently. 

Monday, January 10, 2011

Bedazzled. Christing Ya-Ya.

Bedazzled, 2000, directed by Harold Ramis. Written by Peter Cook.
starring: Brendan Fraser, Elizabeth Hurley

"Hopeless dweeb Elliot Richards is granted 7 wishes by the devil to snare Allison, the girl of his dreams, in exchange for his soul." (IMDB).

This was silly, but there were moments that I laughed. And honestly I'll give anything a shot if it's about the Devil. I do think that Elizabeth Hurley was either miscast in her role (the devil) or they overwrote the character if they had her in mind for it. She's obviously attractive and has this kind of low, seductive voice that I thought they should have spot-lighted, instead they had her kind of giggly and impish. Brits just shouldn't be Americanized, that's all there is to it.

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, 2002, directed by Callie Khouri. Written by Rebecca Wells.
starring: Ashley Judd, Sandra Bullock, Ellen Burstyn.

"After years of mother-daughter tension, Siddalee receives a scrapbook detailing the wild adventures of the "Ya-Yas", her mother's girlhood friends." (IMDB).

This ranks extremely high on this list I've got going here; it might not be the worst film ever made but it's definitely the dumbest. I honestly cannot believe anyone would dig this, it's an insult to every woman that ever lived.

1. Those scenes with the little girls (ya-ya's) would have been extremely cheesy even in a kid's film. This sort of thing is the exact reason most people think women shouldn't direct films or write books. QUIT IT. And I know Callie Khouri can write as she did just fine with Thelma and Louise. She didn't write this but she chose to direct it. Bad idea.

2. Everyone's character was a complete caricature and despite this, I believed exactly none of them in their respective roles.

3. For the character of Vivianne (played by both Ashley Judd and Ellen Burstyn), just what exactly was her beef in life? Was it that she just always needed the spotlight? That her boyfriend died in the war? That she couldn't handle motherhood? That her own mother was jealous of her? If the answer is any of these things, I still could not care one bit less what the hell her deal was, I couldn't stand her from the beginning. I mean I didn't like anyone at all in the entire film, but Vivianne was unlikable with a vengeance. You hate your husband and kids, fine. You want to leave them, fine. You beat your kids with belts, fine. Then years later you think you're justified in getting upset because your daughter says she had an unhappy childhood? This is what is known as "paying the fiddler" YOU RABBIT MOTHER.

4. I tend to allow Ellen Burstyn a very small window of tolerance, normally, since her portrayal of Sarah Goldfarb (Requiem for a Dream) in addition to being extremely well done was the inspiration for my online moniker Television Lady. Obviously I don't have anything in common with the character as I'm not an old Jewish broad, I don't have a red dress, and I'm not popping amphetamines (yet) but I can see myself someday yammering on about how I'm going to be on television though, and it's one of my all-time favorite roles. She deserved the Oscar that year but lost out to someone she and the other nominees (in the words of my friend HCV) "acted circles around," Julia Fricking Roberts for Erin Brockovich. I consider this to be pretty much the world's biggest pisser.

Be all that as it may, she should have known better than to take up with this truck of garbage and it makes me not like her for it. What a mess.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

You've Got Mail (and by contrast, something wonderful).

Seriously, zzzzzzzzzzzz.
You've Got Mail, 1998, directed by Nora Ephron.
starring: Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan.

I'm just going to go ahead and say that this film (and anything else Nora Ephron has had her hand in) is not my bag, baby. I won't say that it's bad, but it's really just not for me. And there is something about Meg Ryan that really is not for me, either. In this she was supposed to be quirky, charming, bubbly, and cute, but I just wasn't having it. Also, despite the fact that this little story mostly revolves around books, I couldn't find one likable thing about it SAVE for The Godfather film references. Snore.

In other news, my partner in crime has decided that he's had enough of the bad film list and has taken command of the television for at least an hour each night screening SPARTACUS instead. What a treat this has turned out to be! And I'm not just digging the buffed up gladiators or the slow motion fight scenes or the noblewomen's hair and dresses or anything superficial like that (although these things are nice); it's awesome! I highly recommend it if you have Starz---careful though, it's real steamy. Make sure the kids are in bed, yeah?

Friday, January 7, 2011


Finished! Now to find a frame. . .

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Mutant Chronicles.

The Mutant Chronicles, 2008, directed by Simon Hunter.
starring: Thomas Jane. Ron Perlman, John Malkovich.

"28th century soldier Mitch Hunter leads a fight against an army of underworld Mutants." (IMDB).

Well, the best thing I can say about this? It's clear that someone, somewhere involved in this production was trying hard to do something. What, I don't know. The only thing that kept me going were the ridiculous kill scenes and random deaths going on; after each I would comment, "Well, at least *their* troubles are over. I, on the other hand, have to keep watching this truck of garbage."

It's silly. And the (tak!) Cop from Desperation is parading around as some sort of holy man or sage leader in a blood red cape; I'm sure this is relevant to something, somewhere, like a bishop or Spartacus connection or something, but after about three minutes I quit trying to think about anything that was happening because it was all literally cheesier than a Michael Bay film.

Something nice: I caught the obvious nod to Paths of Glory at the opening and appreciated it: trenches, rounds exploding, viewing (the anthill?) in binoculars. And the concept of the continents being ruled by corporations was actually kind of clever and cool, they should have just focused on that, IMHO. How the hell did they sign Malkovich onto this waste?

Monday, January 3, 2011

Freeway and a surprise.

Freeway, 1996, directed and written by Matthew Bright.
starring: Reese Witherspoon, Kiefer Sutherland.

"A twisted take on 'Little Red Riding Hood' with a teenage juvenile delinquent on the run from a social worker traveling to her grandmother's house and being hounded by a charming, but sadistic, serial killer/pedophile." (IMDB).

Ugh. This is definitely the most disturbing thing on the list. I know it's kind of dismissive of me but subject matters like this one really just send me packing, I can't handle it. I saw this when it first came out, probably on HBO, and completely missed the Little Red Riding Hood references (the most ridiculous? Kiefer's character, the disgusting villain, named BOB WOLVERTON, just slightly less ridiculous than Vanessa (Witherspoon) taking her things in a basket, complete with red-checked napkin over the top). Jeez.

It was just too taboo, this taking advantage of people's vulnerability and innocence. And since Jack Bauer is one of my top five favorite characters, ever, I really hate anything that disgraces Kiefer and this takes the proverbial cake in that department. True, he picked the role, but seriously. Yuck.

The Surprise?
Just One of the Guys, 1985, directed by Lisa Gottlieb, written by Dennis Feldman.
starring Joyce Hyser, Clayton Rohner, and William Zabka.

"Terry Griffith has got it all -- looks, popularity, the perfect college boyfriend, and an article that's a shoo-in to win her a summer internship at the local newspaper..." (IMDB).

One for Jack. . . 
I like the people in this, so even though the acting is *terrible*, it's still fun to watch. First off, William Zabka? Always a good business decision. You'll remember him from The Karate Kid or my personal favorite, European Vacation. Secondly, Clayton Rohner and Deborah Goodrich (Rick and Deborah) would later go on to star together in April Fool's Day; it was fun to see them in more innocent roles here. Sherilyn Fenn (Audrey Horne) makes an appearance (although this seems to be well before she went and got her teeth capped); she's always fun.  And while the writing is clenchingly bad, there are some giggles, mostly from the sex-obsessed brother. Terry's voice ("huh-huh. Just Finished.")   The general package of her acting like a boy. The constant mentioning of "MY ARTICLE!"
This shit is so bad, it's good. Make sure you have booze, though.