It was getting too serious with all these political films, wasn't it? And sometimes Kevin Costner just grows on you . . .
The Bodyguard, 1992. d. Mick Jackson Starring: Whitney Houston, Kevin Costner ANNA: I think everyone I've ever spoken to about this film hated it, but I actually have never minded it. I love Whitney Houston and think she was great in this opposite one of the more bland and DOLTISH (yet skilled) roles from Costner. Houston's music is as always, perfect, and I love the little nods to classic cinema (Metropolis, Rashomon) that I'm confident 100% of viewers miss when they shrug this off as a chick flick. I have a great time every time I watch. MATT: I liked the line when Costner was totally kicking that guy's ass in the kitchen. After he does the ass kicking in a few various creative ways he says, "I don't want to talk about this again." I also liked Whitney's slutty lines and her whoring around Costner. That was awesome. Other than that, the movie is really, really, really, really, really, bad. (Due to disrespectful language and other sentiments, continuance of this paragraph has been censored by Anna).
Miami Vice, 2006. d. Michael Mann Starring: Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx ANNA: Apparently Colin Farrell wrapped his scenes on this film and drove himself directly to a rehab facility. This is more interesting than anything that actually happens within the narrative of this film, and yet even stoned or drunk or whatever he was, the result was RIDICULOUS. His walk bothers me. Every line of dialogue uttered (by anyone, not just Farrell, although his lines are definitely the worst) bothers me. The fact that Michael Mann, the director of Heat, put this lemon out into circulation bothers me. The only good thing about this film was the tiny interlude when they were flying jets to something that remotely resembled the original Miami Vice theme, but thinking about it now makes me angry that they didn't just use the real music and insisted on screwing everything up. MATT: Miami Vice and kicking ass should always be used in the same sentence. Farrell's stache makes porn stars jealous. Jamie Fox is turnin' up the heat with Calypso. Farrell's love interests could have definitely been focused towards someone better, but they're driving vehicles, they're flying planes, they're playing with drug dealers and working undercover. Kickin' ass with the over the top shots, bad dialog and guns. Good stuff. ANNA: I agree that the stache on Farrell was pretty legendary, along with that outlandish haircut, I liked Mance Raydar (Clarin Hinds) as the FBI guy, and overall, most of the music was good. It's still a giant waste of time and I feel dumber from having watched it. I say if you want a decent story set in Miami, watch Dexter (1st-3rd seasons only). I can't even include a clip from the film in good faith because I really don't want to ruin your day.
Horrible Bosses is a film with universal appeal. Everyone has had an unpleasant boss at least once in their lifetimes, and seeing others onscreen deal with something familiar, even if it's uncomfortable, can be cathartic. And almost everyone out there will appreciate the film's focus, that age-old act of sticking it to The Man. But most people will enjoy this picture because of the reassuring nature that comes from seeing three grown men bumble around ridiculously for ninety minutes--the viewer walks out of the theater reveling in a sense of triumph (hell, at least I'm not that stupid) and fondness (those guys were idiots but they were damned funny).
Directed by Seth Gordon (The King of Kong) and written by Michael Markowitz and John Francis Daley, Horrible Bosses is the story of three friends who want to knock off their respective employers. Nick (Jason Bateman) lost out on a promotion he'd been counting on; Dale (Charlie Day) is being sexually harassed, and Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) has to take orders from his former boss's cocaine-addicted son. Each of the men genuinely enjoys his work, but the bosses make day to day life unnecessarily miserable. The solution? Would-be assassin/Murder Consultant, Mother F-er Jones (Jamie Foxx), theirs for the asking for $5k.
As you could probably guess, things don't go well. There's a lot of cursing, a lot of yuppie banter, and Kurt is mostly a perv, but through it all you get the overwhelming feeling that you're watching the Gen-X version of The Three Stooges, and it works. If you can drop the ideology and laugh (as withBridesmaids), you will. A lot. My theater (AMC Southdale 16) was literally rolling through the entire film and ended it with applause and cheers, which was fun.
Together with the crude humor and constant verbal sparring going on between characters, the film does physical comedy well, too. Jumping cats, bad kung-fu, crazed sifting of cocaine, implied sexual acts with food props, and rear-end humor inside the bosses' domains are all good for chuckles, but the best scene, by far, was the scene shown in the parking lot where, armed with rat poison and peanuts, the three men attempt to drive away in their own vehicles but only end up boxing each other in, nearly colliding, and going in circles. It's not just funny but indicative of the entire vibe of the film and its characters; they drive their cars the way they live their lives and make their plans: thoughtlessly, ridiculously, and like little men-children.
Other elements of the production that added a lot to the film's overall success and flow were the musical selections and their placements. The Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" was an undeniably perfect accompaniment for Nick's (imagined) attack on his boss (Kevin Spacey) just as The Heavy's "How You Like Me Now?" was a great companion for the scenes depicting the planning of the murders. More goodness: white block description titles of each horrible boss and slow motion shot of the three guys rounding the corner as they're picking up the supplies at the store? Nicely, nicely done. This was a very well-made well thought-out comedy, and one the players clearly enjoyed making (make sure you stay for the end credits!).
I'm waiting for Netflix to function again in order to start your recommendations. In the meantime, I'll give you some from my own house. I'm sorry to say that I don't share Matt's enthusiasm with this first one, like, at all, but he recommends it all the same:
What. A. Disaster.
Miami Vice, 2006, directed by Michael Mann.
written by Michael Mann
starring: Colin Farrel, Jamie Foxx, Li Gong.
"Based on the 1980's TV action/drama, this update focuses on vice detectives Crockett and Tubbs as their respective personal and professional lives become dangerously intertwined." (IMDB).
Sometimes people just have irrational aversions to things; my mother, for instance, had a quite unnatural hate for Phil Collins that I never figured out. I have unnatural hate for this film, and it's hard to hate something, a lot, that your spouse really enjoys, but I really can't tolerate this film at all. I tried my damndest last night but as always, I cut out about halfway through.
This is why:
1. I found it confusing. I'm no simpleton when it comes to narratives, I'm a fucking writer for Christ's sake, but the first hour of this film was completely sideways with itself. Are they feds, or are they VICE? Is Trudy an agent or is she just the chick that Rico is banging? Rico and Sonny (Foxx and Farrel) are deputized and instantly put undercover as drug traffickers just because of some CI's random involvement with meth-dealing skinheads? And what the hell is with all those photographs of the CI with them? Is that common practice? As in, here's our *confidential informant,* as shown here in these photographs *with federal agents* jeez, we hope none of the bad guys have moles in our agency who might, you know, SEE THIS? Stupes. I don't know, maybe 24 has ruined me and all suspension of disbelief, but come on. Tighten that shit up!
2. I found the casting of secondary characters to be downright awful. I can't really express this without seeming a little . . . insensitive, and so be it, but that woman (Isabella) should have been of Latina or African descent. Having the character be Asian was just extremely jarring and was pretty much the world's biggest speed bump, although Lucy Liu probably would have been loads better. I just didn't really believe her, at all. Her facial expressions looked like she was in pain for many of the scenes, her hair was a rat's nest, her lips were noticeably dry, and her fingernails looked like mine used to when my violin professor made me chop them down to the fricking quick. I'm not trying to be superficial because she was beautiful, but if you're trying to convince me that this chick has any sort of power or is sexually magnetic, you missed the boat completely. Likewise, Sonny just taking off in the boat with her after seeing her twice? Dumb. "I know what I'm doing," he says to Rico. No, you don't, and no, the screenwriter didn't either because not banging THE BOSS'S WIFE is probably the first thing they teach in fake drug trafficking school. Even Tony Montana waited until Frank was dead to officially move in on Elvira.
And speaking of the boss; I kind of get that they were trying for a Castro-ish sort of look on that guy, but honestly he looked more Afghani than anything. Boo.
3. I felt like Jamie Foxx was marginalized (for what I saw, anyway). Here I thought initially that he and Farrel were going to be sharing the screen, and for a while they did, but when it became more about Sonny and Isabella things really started to tank. Foxx is an Oscar winner, yo, utilize that shit! Calypso
(Naomie Harris) was good, too, but given kind of a too-small role, considering.
There are two parts I liked: the comedy in Rico's faux-premature ejaculation scene with Trudy, and the three-chord synth and orchestral instrumental (reminiscent of the original television show) during the first drug run in the planes out of Columbia. Other than that . . . goo.
I've been there, Walter.
So here's mine:
The Money Pit, 1986, directed by Richard Benjamin.
written by: David Giler
starring: Tom Hanks, Shelley Long
"A young couple struggles to repair a hopelessly dilapidated house." (IMDB).
If you were alive in the eighties, chances are you saw this already, but if you haven't, you really should check this out. You probably are getting by now that I'm a stupid sucker for 80s comedy, (Porky's, Bachelor Party, St. Elmo's Fire, etc.) but Tom Hanks is a very gifted comedic performer--- this is one of his all-time best as far as I'm concerned. It's not raunchy and there isn't much cursing, but (yes, this is uncharacteristic of me) it's good, clean fun. You can watch it with your Grandmother and you'll both probably laugh. Also, if you've ever had to do major home improvements, this film (though a bit dated) will ring with many, many horrible truisms ("Two weeks? You can rebuild all this in two weeks?" or "Ahhh! Home Crap Home!")
Walter Fielding (Hanks) gets all the best lines and reactions:
"I'd help you with that, but someone stepped on all my fingers."
"Well, thanks to that fall, we're now the same height."
"Are you guys testing missiles here, or what?" "Yes, as a matter of fact, we are."
"And now I have to go down to his office tomorrow morning and kiss his ass . . . "
"We have weak trees."
"YOU WHORE!"
And he doesn't lack in the physical scenes, either. The hammering thumb on steps scene (reaction). The getting stuck in the floor scene (wave). The interaction with the carpenter (Joe Mantagna). The adventurous ride down the scaffold while coated in plaster, and my personal favorite, the entire Benny scene . . . enjoy!
I tried to watch this last night and completely wimped out on it. Has anyone seen it all the way through? I don't understand why I've become such a baby with scary movies lately, I used to eat pieces of shit like this for breakfast. (You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?)
ALSO! Just popping onto IMDB for a rundown of what's happening in film and some images I needed when I see the FRIGHT NIGHT remake ad? Um, no one told me Collin Farrell was playing Jerry Dandridge, are you Goddamned KIDDING ME? Like Eric Northman, BUT COLLIN FARRELL. I'm hoping the August 19 release date, that I have circled on my calendar with an enormous heart, does not coincide with any peak fertility days (because damn . . . )
Out of curiosity, I wonder who's playing Evil Ed? And will Marcy Darcy be making a cameo?
Alexander, 2004. Written and directed by Oliver Stone.
starring: Colin Farrell, Val Kilmer, Angelina Jolie, Jared Leto, Anthony Hopkins.
"Alexander, the King of Macedonia and one of the greatest military leaders in the history of warfare, conquers much of the known world." (IMDB).
As far as epics go, this was fine. Not the greatest, but definitely not the worst, either (as anyone who's seen Lawrence of Arabia will probably agree). Oliver Stone knows how to lay out a film, but I do think it was slightly too long. Furthermore:
1. This needed to be gay-er. The only tender moments in the film happened between Alexander (Farrell) and his friend, confidant, and lover, Hephaistion (Leto). If you're trying to convince me that these two truly loved each other (which was a major part of the story and the way it ended), you're going to have to do better than putting eyeliner on Leto and having them hug each other a little longer than necessary. It wasn't enough. I'm not saying there needed to be Taxi Zum Klo-calibre sex going on, but come on, you gotta at least lay a realistic foundation! Homosexual relationships between men were common and not hidden during the period this film occupied, why shy away from it? Stone is no stranger to controversy, so this sterile, dolphin-friendly sort of brotherly love really seemed like a cop-out. Maybe the director's cut was better about this, I don't know.
2. Just as I will only see Juliette Lewis as Mallory Knox for the rest of her life, I only see Angelina Jolie as Olympias. This role was perfect; it just fit her. And this is by far the hottest she's ever looked in anything.
3. Speaking of hot . . . check this out (right). DAMN.
4. There were some really impressive shots. The charging battle lines on horseback? The aerial shots of the eagle flying between the two sides? Elephants charging? The world turns red once Alexander is wounded? Excellent, really excellent. When they come into Babylon it was almost as if they were stepping into Willy Wonka's factory, with all the color and spectacle. That was fun.
. . . is there an online moratorium on any images of the red shots during the final battle scene or something? This was a major part of the film and there is not one image to be found, COME ON! Now I'm pissed.
This is the perfect film to watch upon the birth of a new baby, stuck on the couch in silence for about three hours. Or laid up with some sort of injury. Other than that, it will probably feel like an extremely long amount of time to devote to something when there are things like Spartacus or Chicago Code to be watched. . .
MATT: I liked the line when Costner was totally kicking that guy's ass in the kitchen. After he does the ass kicking in a few various creative ways he says, "I don't want to talk about this again." I also liked Whitney's slutty lines and her whoring around Costner. That was awesome. Other than that, the movie is really, really, really, really, really, bad. (Due to disrespectful language and other sentiments, continuance of this paragraph has been censored by Anna).
MATT: Miami Vice and kicking ass should always be used in the same sentence. Farrell's stache makes porn stars jealous. Jamie Fox is turnin' up the heat with Calypso. Farrell's love interests could have definitely been focused towards someone better, but they're driving vehicles, they're flying planes, they're playing with drug dealers and working undercover. Kickin' ass with the over the top shots, bad dialog and guns. Good stuff. 
