Mean Streets

Whatsa matter with you?

Mean Streets, 1973, directed by Martin Scorcese.
Written by Martin Scorcese and Mardik Martin
starring: Harvey Keitel, Robert DeNiro, David Proval

"A small-time hood struggles to succeed on the "mean streets" of Little Italy." (imdb).

I love this. Little Italy in the seventies; what a place. This was only Scorcese's third feature length film, but man, it's a goodie. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but Harvey Keitel? Hot. I'm not kidding.

This film is full of fun:

-opening scene: "You don't make up for your sins in church. You do it in the streets. You do it at home." You said it, man. Those three edits, each cut closer than the last as he lays back down in his bed (to the Ronettes?) . . . so, so cool.

-the religious stuff. Constant thrusting hands into flames, confession, wallpaper very cross-like in hotel, San Gennero Festival, etc., it's major. Keitel's character (Charlie) is referred to as "Saint Charles."

-DeNiro as Johnny Boy. The scene when he walks down the bar with the two chicks to "Jumping Jack Flash" is *legendary.* The scene just afterwards where he goes on for about THREE DAYS about his money woes with Charlie---even at that young an age (30 years old, y'all) DeNiro was something else.

-This film was very carefully conceived. It was a story of the exact kinds of things young Martin Scorcese witnessed, asthma-bound, from his own window in his old neighborhood: hoods, connected guys, religion, and music. And though Charlie and Johnny Boy seem to end up in the gutter, did you happen to notice the opening credits (after the Ronettes)? They're home movies, started off in a very obvious way paying homage to A FILM PROJECTOR. The films themselves are of Charlie and Theresa holding a little baby in a very elaborate Christening gown and a cake that's iced with the words, "God Bless Christopher." I'm not going to get into how seriously this turns me into a complete, emotional water works, but how's that for a (secret) happy ending? Tricky, tricky. The very last scene of the film just so happens to be someone closing their window shades, by the way. . .

This film was pretty much a valentine by Scorcese to Little Italy. I love it.

The quality is not great on this clip, and it's missing some valuable lead up (DeNiro checks his *pants* at the coat-check; Keitel's character says, "Thanks a lot, Lord, thanks a lot, for opening my eyes. You talk about penance and you send this through the door. . . ") but it's the best I could find. Incidentally, the giggling bartender (Proval) would later go onto become the unfortunately-hacked-to-pieces-by-Christopher-and-Tony Ritchie Aprile from The Sopranos', second season. He doesn't quite have such a sense of humor in that, does he?

Gigli, Nothing But Trouble, and Mortal Thoughts.

This is going to be a serious test of my endurance, these first three nearly destroyed me.

1. Gigli, 2003. Directed by Martin Brest, written by Martin Brest.
starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez.

"The violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a retarded man came to be best friends through a hostage." (IMDB).


My response to this summary? There is no real violence, the criminal lesbian and tough-guy hit man are completely clueless in their respective roles, and while they spend a lot of time digressing about their own caricatured attributes, ("Women don't need penises,"/"I'm an Original Gangster,") there is never any validity to anything. Riki (Lopez) was a lesbian but decides to go for Gigli (Affleck). It's also interesting that despite having what is most likely the world's best body, Jennifer Lopez delivers nothing but void. Gigli claims he's a hard core gangster, but he really just shuffles around and cowers to his equally worthless gangster boss. The cameos by Christopher Walken and Al Pacino are as pointless and random as the rest of this film; I cannot believe anyone involved actually stuck this out to the end. I blame the writer; there was nothing that was going to save this wreck.


And far be it from me to be dramatic, but somehow I got sick while I was watching this, probably because Matt kept pulling the pillow away from my face (trust me, the film was still awful with just the audio present, so it wasn't like I was getting relief). Every scene was torture. I think I asked about six times "how long have we been watching this?" ---this is a two hour film. There was a lot of kicking and flailing, and the next day my stomach was sore from having such a fit. I had a drink next to me on the floor and I seriously couldn't risk having a single sip of it because I was already so nauseated. So honestly, since there is nothing that can make this film tolerable (except maybe earplugs and a blindfold) so far this is safely THE WORST FILM EVER MADE. All films henceforth will be judged at least partially on whether or not they are better than Gigli. Martin Brest? May God have mercy on your soul. 


2. Nothing But Trouble, 1991. Directed by Dan Aykroyd, written by Peter Aykroyd.
starring: Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, Dan Aykroyd, John Candy.


"A businessman finds he and his friends the prisoners of a sadistic judge and his equally odd family in the backwoods of a bizarre mansion." (IMDB).


I think what happened here was that Dan Aykroyd's little brother wanted to, you know, do something major, and unfortunately, no one had the stones to tell him his story was a complete waste. This film was just one big mess. I would probably be able to forgive Demi Moore, she's not a comic actor, but the rest of them should have known better. There was no real organization to anything that happened, I'd try to break down some sort of summary but there's really no point because the story is so incredibly lame you'd probably think I quit watching and just made it all up. 


It's better than Gigli, however, and here's why: 
1. There is a funny scene of Dan Aykroyd (playing a warthog-faced buffoon) eating a hot dog. It's obnoxious and gross, but funny.
2. The Granddaughter (who is John Candy in drag) dangles her enormous undergarments in Chevy Chase's face. It made me chuckle a little because it was a very Chris Farley thing to do, even though it was before Chris Farley's time. 


So it made me laugh twice. Everything else was utterly absurd. 

Yes, Keitel again. No nudity. Too bad.

3. Mortal Thoughts, 1991. Directed by Alan Rudolph, written by William Reilly and Claude Kervin.


"Cynthia comes forward to talk to detective John about the murder of her best friend's husband. The story is told as a series of flashbacks... James was a bullying, verbally and physically abusive husband. His wife Joyce has, on a number of occasions, expressed her intention to kill him. One night when all three are at the fair, Joyce has a row with James, and Cynthia helps James back to the van. But later he was found dead." (IMDB).


This is also a mess of a film, but with the added bonus of New Jersey accents. There is a "twist" at the very conclusion that reveals that Cynthia (Demi Moore) was really the one who killed James (Bruce Willis), and this creates a few more questions about the rest of the film, the most obvious being, SO WAS ALL OF YOUR TESTIMONY BULLSHIT, THEN, OR JUST THE PART ABOUT YOU NOT KILLING HIM? Then again, you're so happy that the film has ended, you will most likely decide not to push it any further. This film was very bad, but less bad than the previous two. Seeing all the acid washed jeans and big hair made me a little nostalgic for 1991. For like, ten seconds.

Breaker, Breaker. Bad Lieutenant.

Breaker, Breaker, 1977, directed by Don Hulette.

"Truck driver searches for his brother, who has disappeared in a town run by a corrupt judge." (IMDB).

This stars Chuck Norris, and funny enough, it's the first Chuck Norris film I've seen. That said, you can't really *tell* it's Chuck Norris, as he's quite young and his martial arts skills as showcased in the film were a little boring, despite the fact that he'd accomplished quite a lot in competitions before becoming an actor.

In trying to come up with something to say about this production, I was reminded of a strange situation I was involved in during my senior year in high school. I was playing piano for something, and for some reason, my parents decided to show up to watch this. Also, I was pulled over by a highway patrolman on the way there, an Elvis-impersonating one. Not kidding. Anyway. It was a very interesting situation, group of people, etc. Apparently my dad didn't say much, only that 1. "This place looks like the warden at Stillwater opened the cells and asked them if they wanted to come to a wedding," and 2. "Can we get the hell out of here?"

This film was a little like that, as in Any of you Hillbillies wanna be in a film? Line up, and spit your chew out before the camera rolls over you. Naw, you don't need to rehearse your lines. And just duck when Norris comes at yeh, see? Hell no, we ain't need no choreographers, just lift your leg up a few times, pretend like you kickin' em in the head and we all good.

Although I did like all the truckers DRIVING OVER THE TOWN at the end, that was sweet. Thanks, VD. And what the hell was up with that bartender and all her crazy dolls?

Bad Lieutenant, 1992, directed by Abel Ferrera.

"While investigating a young nun's rape, a corrupt New York City police detective, with a serious drug and gambling addiction, tries to change his ways and find forgiveness." (IMDB).


Speechless. I wouldn't even know where to start. When I told Matt I was watching this the other night, he said, "Because you haven't seen enough of Keitel's cock to last you a lifetime?" (Indeed. Gary Reynolds, one of my fave film professors referenced his full frontal in The Piano as proving "what's good for the goose is good for the gander. . . ")


Yeah, no thanks. I need to get this disk out of my house, it's like a Horcrux or something.


DECEMBER FILM LIST (worst films ever made). I'm closing it tonight, so if you want in, you have until midnight. I have a list; it's already making me shudder. Topping the list are Sandy, J-Aniston, and Will Ferrell.