Fire and Blood part 1, Bird Box, and other conspiracy theories

Fire and Blood by George R. R. Martin

This is a book for fans of A Song of Ice and Fire and/or Game of Thrones who are looking for a slightly more long-winded historical account of the Targaryen family. Basically, me. So far this has felt like a very thorough, very "grievance-list" set of well-written family dramas. I've only completed about half of the 706 pages plus appendices, I had to rest it a while once I started getting confused about who was who and why they were pissed at each other--I mean the family tree appendix helps but damn, there are so many Targaryens! I fully believe Martin wanted this released before The Winds of Winter simply because there are several little tricky situations that explain many of the issues that affect the narratives of the proper book series down the line such as the initial doom of Valyria, greyscale disease, general madness within the Targaryen family, stolen dragon eggs, and even a bit about the future of dragons versus White Walkers (in regard to the protective enchantments surrounding the wall). Like a couple other short stories about the Targaryen dynasty, there are several little Easter (dragon) eggs that true fans will no doubt appreciate---in other words, PAY ATTENTION and TRY TO KEEP UP.

Tell me this isn't a role for Charlie Hunnam?

Composed of the collections of the official "writings" of various maesters and septons, the book begins with the history of Aegon the Conqueror, sister-wives Visenya and Rhaenys, and how the family's dragons and descendants shaped the seven kingdoms of Westeros. What makes this an interesting experience, more interesting than the same basic narrative explored in A World of Ice and Fire, is the 2018-weary, self-aware format of the way the facts are presented. The old, fat, white men in power are still the ones controlling the information, but every now and then you'll get a little burn on a septon or maester who has written some vital piece of the story or given a summary or opinion on something where he wasn't physically present and someone else (usually the Targaryen's court fool, Mushroom) gives a different account of the events. Kind of a nice dig on how history in general gets presented, if you ask me. Hey! Were you there? Did you see that baby get pushed into the world? Did you hear the king say that to the queen? Were you physically on that battlefield when the drama happened? Actually no, but you have a big book of empty pages and a fancy golden quill, you could write whatever you wanted, absent of any real facts and people would still listen! How relevant!

Alysanne: Shall we see
what lies beyond the wall?
Silverwing:
Nah, I'm good.

Also, in the spirit of being woke, King Jahaerys I's sister: Queen Alysanne. I loved this character so much! Challenging the laws that govern the continued caretaking of widows, no more primae noctis, winning over the cold-ass Starks in Winterfell, and PROPER DRINKING WATER FOR KINGS LANDING? Highborn empathy exists! Westeros's first true feminist, mother of thirteen children, dragonrider of Silverwing and all-around badass? YASS, QUEEN! I squeezed the book in happiness multiple times during these chapters.

Hopefully the last half of the book holds as many treasures as the first, although it seems really mafia-esque in its general vibe of decline. Stay tuned.

"If you take off your blindfold,
I WILL HURT YOU."

Bird Box, 2018, d. Susanne Bier, screenplay by Eric Heiserrer, novel by Josh Malerman. Starring Sandra Bullock, Trevante Rhodes, John Malkovich

Confession: Outside of So Awkward/Blessed are the Geeks, I never read or watch anyone else's film reviews. I hovered over a few Netflix reviews of Bird Box after I'd watched it already and at first I didn't get why all the venom, but after a few days I have a few statements to make about it.


1. Ease up haters, this is not a typical horror film (and it was probably evil cell phones that brought about the insanity, so that's even more for you to hate)
2. Motherhood has a large effect on how the events of the film unfold
3. The story is smart and emotional but Malorie needed to hold onto those kids better on the boat
4. The ending is perfect, I loved it (no spoilers)
5. I don't know what everyone else is smoking, I don't see gross effects of Botox or cosmetic surgery on Sandy, like AT ALL, I think she looked great

I can't say this film experience is positive, it's anxious and disturbing, but it's a interesting, engaging story. At the core, I feel like the issues are extremely relevant to situations beyond an apocalyptic chaos story and honest to how mothers make decisions. Do I lie to my kids and tell them stories about how things are going to be fine or do I lay out the truth, be a hardass, and prepare them for the reality of life? Are they scared of me? Am I being too hard on them? Do I dare imagine a life where they are safe? Matt drew a ton of fire last month for criticizing the parenting in A Christmas Story when Randy won't eat, and I share his feelings---true, we live in relatively peaceful times now with plenty of food but we've never coddled our kids and never will. This film made me stop and think about what I would do in Malorie's situation. In the end, survival > liking your mom. When times are tough, you harden up, end of story.



Other Conspiracy Theories (Resistance Through Cinema Film List)

Last year around this time I asked everyone for favorite conspiracy or political films to watch for the new year. Funny thing, I still have the list even though I only watched like five or six of them. The remains of the list include Arlington Road, The Fog of War, Fahrenheit 9/11, 12 Angry Men, Wag the Dog, Dr. Strangelove, The Pelican Brief, National Treasure, Enemy of the State, The Crucible, Bob Roberts, The Manchurian Candidate (which I'm reading right now), John Q, The Hunt For Red October, Conspiracy Theory, Zeitgeist, SHOWGIRLS (I mean, why not?), The Contender, Deterrence, Bridge of Spies, 13 Days, The American President, LBJ, Swing Vote, City Hall, and Bullworth. In addition to the Great American Read book list that I'm still working on, I'll give it my best.

Hope Floats. 8 Crazy Nights.

Blah, very blah.

Hope Floats, 1998, directed by Forest Whitaker. Written by Steven Rogers.
starring: Sandra Bullock, Gena Rowlands, Harry Connick Jr.

"A woman who comes back to her home town in Smithville, Texas, with her daughter after a very sloppy and painful divorce has to deal with the people in her town." (IMDB).

The nicest thing I can say about this is that it would probably bring immediate sleep to the most troubled insomniac. That, and it didn't infuriate me. The names of the mother/daughter characters (Bertie, Berniece) interested me for a few minutes; the name Bertie brought back a personal memory of the call center at NWA, when an excitable yet pleasant Southern woman told me that her name was "Pickles" while I was making her reservation; turns out her name was BERTIE PICKLES, but she was so giddy about booking her flight she didn't quite process that I had asked her for her first name. Silly, I know, but I won't ever forget her. I remember trying not to laugh, "Um. Your name is Pickles?"

And if you attended the Corn Capital Days parade between 1998 and 2000 you'll probably remember Berniece. "She" strolled along with the clowns, although she wasn't dressed as one herself. That's all I'm going to say about  her. Damn, I have a picture somewhere, lost in Olivia. Anyone else have one?

And yes, the film was more boring and pointless than the two ridiculous anecdotes I've shared with you, trust me.

Eight Crazy Nights, 2002, directed by Seth Kearsley. Written by Brooks Arthur.
starring: Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider

"Davey Stone, a 33-year old party animal, finds himself in trouble with the law after his wild ways go too far. In keeping with the holiday spirit, the judge gives Davey one last chance at redemption-spend the holiday performing community service as the assistant referee for the youth basketball league or go to jail." (IMDB).

You may enjoy this if you are a fan of Sandler's "Fatty McGee" voice (I am). Also if you are drunk/stoned out of your mind. Otherwise, pass.

Bedazzled. Christing Ya-Ya.

Bedazzled, 2000, directed by Harold Ramis. Written by Peter Cook.
starring: Brendan Fraser, Elizabeth Hurley

"Hopeless dweeb Elliot Richards is granted 7 wishes by the devil to snare Allison, the girl of his dreams, in exchange for his soul." (IMDB).

This was silly, but there were moments that I laughed. And honestly I'll give anything a shot if it's about the Devil. I do think that Elizabeth Hurley was either miscast in her role (the devil) or they overwrote the character if they had her in mind for it. She's obviously attractive and has this kind of low, seductive voice that I thought they should have spot-lighted, instead they had her kind of giggly and impish. Brits just shouldn't be Americanized, that's all there is to it.

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, 2002, directed by Callie Khouri. Written by Rebecca Wells.
starring: Ashley Judd, Sandra Bullock, Ellen Burstyn.

"After years of mother-daughter tension, Siddalee receives a scrapbook detailing the wild adventures of the "Ya-Yas", her mother's girlhood friends." (IMDB).

This ranks extremely high on this list I've got going here; it might not be the worst film ever made but it's definitely the dumbest. I honestly cannot believe anyone would dig this, it's an insult to every woman that ever lived.

1. Those scenes with the little girls (ya-ya's) would have been extremely cheesy even in a kid's film. This sort of thing is the exact reason most people think women shouldn't direct films or write books. QUIT IT. And I know Callie Khouri can write as she did just fine with Thelma and Louise. She didn't write this but she chose to direct it. Bad idea.

2. Everyone's character was a complete caricature and despite this, I believed exactly none of them in their respective roles.

3. For the character of Vivianne (played by both Ashley Judd and Ellen Burstyn), just what exactly was her beef in life? Was it that she just always needed the spotlight? That her boyfriend died in the war? That she couldn't handle motherhood? That her own mother was jealous of her? If the answer is any of these things, I still could not care one bit less what the hell her deal was, I couldn't stand her from the beginning. I mean I didn't like anyone at all in the entire film, but Vivianne was unlikable with a vengeance. You hate your husband and kids, fine. You want to leave them, fine. You beat your kids with belts, fine. Then years later you think you're justified in getting upset because your daughter says she had an unhappy childhood? This is what is known as "paying the fiddler" YOU RABBIT MOTHER.

4. I tend to allow Ellen Burstyn a very small window of tolerance, normally, since her portrayal of Sarah Goldfarb (Requiem for a Dream) in addition to being extremely well done was the inspiration for my online moniker Television Lady. Obviously I don't have anything in common with the character as I'm not an old Jewish broad, I don't have a red dress, and I'm not popping amphetamines (yet) but I can see myself someday yammering on about how I'm going to be on television though, and it's one of my all-time favorite roles. She deserved the Oscar that year but lost out to someone she and the other nominees (in the words of my friend HCV) "acted circles around," Julia Fricking Roberts for Erin Brockovich. I consider this to be pretty much the world's biggest pisser.

Be all that as it may, she should have known better than to take up with this truck of garbage and it makes me not like her for it. What a mess.

All About Steve.

I tried to watch this a few months ago. I can't remember why, maybe to cause myself some discomfort or as punishment, but I turned it off after about thirteen minutes. So I was a little apprehensive about doing it again. . .

All About Steve, 2009. Directed by Phil Traill. Written by Kim Barker.
starring: Sandra Bullock, Bradley Cooper, Thomas Haden Church.

"Convinced that a CCN cameraman is her true love, an eccentric crossword puzzler trails him as he travels all over the country, hoping to convince him that they belong together." (IMDB).


Yeah, it was horrid. To be fair, the director had only done television up to this point and the writer had done exactly one other screenplay, but yeah, who okayed this? Since I actually made it through the whole thing this time and could appreciate the message, if you could call it that (Bullock's character, Mary Horowitz is eccentric, kooky, and annoying but in the end realizes that she likes herself just the way she is), I also learned that the entire film and the roundabout way it actually *gets* to that end is completely random and unbelievably thrown together. And this is my beef with Sandra's films and chick flicks in general: PUT SOME WORK INTO IT, PEOPLE! I saw How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days back when it first came out, thinking I would hate it but I ended up kind of digging it because it played on stereotypes about annoying chicks. I'm not trying to be harsh or unsentimental, but this was just a story of an annoying chick being annoying. I guess the strongest point of it (for me) was that it let me know that at least I'm not that bad. . . 


Something Nice: Sandy physically looked very cute in this and she has really nice legs.

Boat, cave, boat.

Finally! Sorry I've been away for a while. I "did" Christmas this year (with my hubs) and I actually ended up making quite a few of the gifts as well, so it became crunch time this last week while I put the finishing touches on felt Gabbas, cross stitches, and this really excellent Twilight Zone thing I made for my brother.

Can I pull off the impossible? It's December 25. Out of the initial list of 39 films (the 39 steps?!) I have watched 14 and added another film. This leaves me 26 films in six days. I don't see it happening, but as with the October list, I'm in it to win it, so I'll finish it even if it takes me well into January, which is a long ass month anyway.

Anyway.

Titanic, 1997. Directed and Written by James Cameron.
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet.

"Fictional romantic tale of a rich girl and poor boy who meet on the ill-fated voyage of the 'unsinkable' ship." (IMDB).


I remember seeing the preview to this film on another rental many months before it actually was released;  what stuck the most was of course one of the final scenes when the ship, vertical, actually sinks with Jack and Rose are clinging to the railing. It gave me goosebumps, for probably an entire day, seeing that. And really, this is a fine example of what the film can do vs. what it does lamely: the action scenes are amazing, the dialogue and love story are merely marginal if not annoying. 


I don't think Kate Winslet deserved to be nominated for an Oscar for this, I think the Academy just gets aroused when Brits sink low enough to do American accents. I thought Rose's scenes were boring, mostly because I never liked her as a character. This is mostly for personal reasons, and I can see how the class differences between the characters were important to the love story, but still I found her distinctly unlikable. Old Rose, Young Rose, they both rubbed me the wrong way from the very first. "They called Titanic the ship of dreams, and it was. It really was." Then, moments later, "To everyone else it was 'the ship of dreams.' But to me it was a slave ship. . ." YEAH, BOO-HOO, ROSE. You want to jump off the back of the ship? BE MY GUEST. Be careful not to damage the beading on your thousand dollar gown on your way over, hmmm? This is a bit reactionary and bitter, but my old man taught me one thing: There is always someone worse off than you. The surest way to earn my disdain (which I'm sure everyone cares loads about) is to be a person who won't see this. Am I really supposed to get behind Rose's eyes with her stupid complaining and having to take a few bitch slaps from Cal when there are hundreds of poor Irish kids who are slated for freezing and drowning? Perspective. (I was *extremely* worldly, empathetic, and intelligent when I was Rose's age, btw.) 


Leo was a little clunky, and far less annoying. But by God Cameron can do action. The real film starts once that iceberg hits, and from there it was a tense, well-driven story. Showing how each level of the ship was affected by the water rushing in? Awesome. The scramble to make it under the water-seal doors as they came down? Awesome. The different ways the characters had to backtrack and swim through dead ends and flooded hallways? Awesome. There were two moments in this film when I cried; 1. the opening, when Horner's instrumental theme came on over the still shots of the ship and 2. when the violinist refuses to leave the deck and reels the rest of the quartet back to play that seriously emotional song (as everyone jumps off, falls, or drowns). The scene of the people desperately hanging on to the priest as he prays also gets me a little weepy, I cannot imagine what an experience like that, chaos and sure death on that wide a scale, would be like; one woman (I think holding onto a child) clung to a structure and just repeated over and over "it will be over soon. it will be over soon." My friend Julie told me when this film was first released that the very worst part for her was seeing the Irish woman telling her children a bedtime story and tucking them in bed, knowing that they would all soon be dead. I didn't have kids at the time like she did, but I do now, and the scene is probably the saddest thing that happens in the film. Heavy. It's not a perfect film, but it's definitely an important one. 11 Oscars, many of them well-deserved. 




The Descent, 2005. Directed and Written by Neil Marshall.
starring: Shauna Macdonald, Natalie Jackson Mendoza.


First off, I don't even know if this was the correct The Descent, there were about three of them listed on IMDB, but it seemed to be ridiculous enough, so I'm going with it (although one of the others did actually star Luke Perry, so that may have been fun, too).


"A caving expedition goes horribly wrong, as the explorers become trapped and ultimately pursued by a strange breed of predators." (IMDB).


Maybe Directors just shouldn't be Writers. Or Vice Versa. This was badly pieced together and didn't have any flow or continuity when it probably could have with a better writer. I was completely caught off guard with how things went, although I thought the film got much more interesting once those creatures started popping up inside the cave. The overall feeling of the film at first seemed to be really lame and Spice Girl-ish (Yey, we're awesome chicks that can raft and explore caves! WOOO! Let's jump up and down and scream!) so when they're suddenly thrust into this weird, dark predator-setting, it seemed a little jarring. The beginning and ending seemed a little forced and random. So it's bad, but (almost) a kind of good, cheesy bad. 


Speed 2: Cruise Control, 1997. Directed by Jan de Bont, Written by Graham Yost.
starring: Sandra Bullock, Jason Patrick, Willem Dafoe.


"A computer hacker breaks into the computer system of the Seabourn Legend cruise liner and sets it speeding on a collision course into a gigantic oil tanker" (IMDB).


Well, this might have been better without the entire first scene and nearly all of Jason and Sandy's dialogue. Willem is marginalized, and while no Bobby Peru, is interesting enough to watch, I guess. Action films need to have clever or comical dialogue. Good examples of this are Tom Arnold/Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies:
1. "What kind of a sick bitch takes the ice cube trays out of the freezer?"
2. "The guy is a goddamned used car salesman, this just keeps getting better and better!", or even Keanu and Jeff Daniels in the first Speed film:
3. "I'm gonna go home, have some sex." "Harry, you're gonna go home and puke." "Yeah, well, that'll be fun, too."


The back and forth with Jason and Sandy was painful and uncomfortable because they both suck and they had sucky writing, and the film just kept on giving more and more of this. I'd say the last ten minutes are the only ones worth watching because no one is speaking. And I'm guessing this is no where near the worst I'll be seeing from Ms. Bullock so far as I haven't even approached the chick flicks yet (shudder).