Monday, April 28, 2008

starbucks, fertility, and mrs. mia wallace




the complete idiot's guide to being a starbuck's customer:

1. if you are going to make RIDICULOUS complaints and/or blanket statements about your dumb needs (dark roast vs. light roast vs. THIS PLACE NEVER HAS COFFEE READY AND YOU'RE ALWAYS BREWING WHEN I COME IN TO ORDER) you are well on your way to a lifetime of decaf. so we're always brewing when you come in? WE BREW COFFEE ON THE HALF HOUR SO IDS LIKE YOU CAN HAVE NEW, HOT COFFEE instead of old rot that's been sitting in the urn for hours.

also, when i give you 2 venti BRAND NEW BREWED cups of coffee for free because you're sitting up there bitching your faces off because we didn't have any dark roast ready, the correct reaction would be to THANK me. next time i'm giving you the oldest most stale and hard lemon and pumpkin loaves and saving the soft new pieces for nice people. and i might drop if on the floor for good measure.

2. if you are so HELL-BENT on having your baked goods "for here" on porcelain dishes, and if you are going to have a holy shit fit and almost start BAWLING when i put them in to-go bags, next time you'll probably want to tell me "for here" as you see me walking over to get your shit. this bit of common sense will also apply to those of you who hang over the pick up counter, watch me make your drink step by step, SEE ME PUT THE WHIPPED CREAM ON (when at no time did anyone order the drink sans whip or write it on the cup) wait until i have put the lid on the cup and hand it to you before announcing "Oh. I DIDN"T WANT ANY WHIPPED CREAM ON IT."
my inner reaction to this is to roll my eyes, sigh VERY loudly, yank the lid off and scoop out the huge mound of whipped cream, flinging it onto the counter making a HUGE splat like allison's lunch meat in breakfast club. INSTEAD. i smile politely and OH SO DELICATELY remove the whipped cream and fill the deficit with more milk.

3. if you order a drink and then take off for longer than 10 minutes, assume we've dumped your drink or someone else has stolen it. also. if you are having some sort of business meeting at one of our tables and start discussing something serious and choose to be oblivious to the drink-maker calling "GRANDE VANILLA LATTE FOR HERE?" with your dumb porcelain cup 57 times LOUDLY, you deserve to drink gross, room-temperature crap.



blslkshjeihwehrwrh. sometimes the day shift really irks me, clearly.

i have my review tonight. i better be getting a PHAT/FAT raise.


onto the next:



my biology is very interesting. with beatrix pretty much being weaned now, i can tell i am working my way back into being an ovulating female (my "cycle" is returning). at first i wondered why all of a sudden i have 30004 bits of acne all over, then thought a bit more about this when pretty much EVERY SINGLE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE MALE began to look smokin' hot to me........then i realized that i'm back on the hormones that everyone else who isn't pregnant, nursing, or on the pill must have to negotiate through in everyday life. HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS? without being overly inappropriate i'll just say that i can definitely feel how biology is "pushing" me to hop right back into fornication to further the species. holy shit. no wonder the world is full of.......women who keep getting knocked up. i hadn't anticipated this. i guess I shouldn't be partaking any wine, beer, clooney or christian bale films around here for...um, well, a good 20 years, if i know what's good for me. wow.

MRS. MIA WALLACE:


mia is doing this thing now where she thinks it's fun and acceptable to remove her pull up once she's shat in it to show everyone. she usually has half of it smeared on her ass too. jesus christ. sometimes i have this fleeting thought that even with all the sleep issues, bubby was the more sensible and easier child.

i don't know why i bother blogging any of this, other than being for my own amusement (the stuff about mia). NO ONE who knows this child, other than us, believes any of it. everyone seriously thinks she is the most charming, well-behaved, adorable kid who never steps out of line. if i even start to mention any of her behavior being less than favorable, my mother IMMEDIATELY jumps in and starts defending and/or justifying anything mia has done. Chris i think just doesn't believe mia does anything naughty......!

MIA WALLACE. my daughter. who COULD charm vincent vega the hit man, no problem.

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