Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Tales From The Crypt, Season One: Lover Come Hack to Me; Collection Completed

Lover Come Hack to Me.
Starring: Amanda Plummer, Stephen Shellen

"Peggy wants to make sure her honeymoon turns out perfect." (IMDB).

(treading lightly) So am I going to ruffle a bunch of feathers if I say that I really like this one, too? Like, a lot. As the newlyweds come inside the deserted old house, Peggy sees a giant axe over the fireplace and asks, "What's that?" The husband replies, "It's just a family portrait of someone's mother-in-law!" Isn't he just witty! Well, no, actually, he seems like an enormous dick the entire time; I can't honestly believe any new spouse, male or female, would be okay with such a shitty attitude (on a HONEYMOON!) But it's all part of the plan, isn't it!

1. When Peggy tells him she's scared (outside the house) he barks back at her, "YOU'RE ALWAYS SCARED, PEGGY!" Jeez.

2. He shows no joy in carrying Peggy across the threshold, and probably wouldn't have bothered had she not brought it up.

3. Peggy tells him, "You know, I'd do anything for you," and he replies, "Oh, and I'd do anything for you, too!" and then, under his breath, "and your bank account . . ."

4. As they, you know, do it (she's a virgin) his implied "entering" is done with an unnecessarily violent thrust. Come on. She just said she was a virgin, man! I'm not saying he deserved the axe in such a way, but I don't even think Tucker Max would do something like that . . . . this new husband (Charles) is a real icky guy.

I get severely annoyed watching this one, but I love it just the same. Amanda Plummer is a very unique looking (gap-toothed) actress, and although her voice really bothers me, I found her perfect for this role. I dug the oh-so-obvious pure-white transition to sin-black (in Peggy's wardrobe) and the orgasmic clock-defiling scream was nice, but the sex scene was uncomfortable enough to almost make me FF through it . . . I mean, Jesus Christ. Enough tongue action; it's not sexy and it just reminds me horribly of Andrew McCarthy (which is to say that it's gross). Cut that shit out. Nice kill scene, though.
(no clips this time; You Tube is being difficult).


Collection Completed
Starring: M. Emmet Walsh, Audra Lindley

"Jonas has been forced into mandatory retirement. He can't relax, though, because Anita's friends are driving him crazy." (IMDB).

Yes, that's Mrs. Roper as the crazy cat lady in the bathroom (whose husband is newly retired).

I kind of remember thinking this one was boring the first time I saw it (I was in eighth grade) but ha. Now that I'm married (and have been for a long time) I saw a lot of comedy in it this time around. Bonking heads over the sink, eye glasses flung into the toilet, grabbing the same towel, scalping the tree in anger---it's slapstick and silly but it's kind of cute, too. Clearly he's annoyed by his wife anyway, without all those damned animals all over the place---I giggled a lot each time he snapped, "GOD DAMMIT, ANITA," and this is mostly because Matt often utters the same thing to me, unrelated to stray animals but me doing things like letting the kids play with Easter grass or making something with too many onions for dinner.

This clearly could have worked as a silent, the actions are all very self-explanatory, and again, the slapstick humor probably could have carried it without any dialogue at all. Funny enough, this episode is also the most realistic of the entire season . . .

Anyway. Full speed ahead with season 2, and for October reading, it's Stephen King ALL MONTH, BABY!

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